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Daily Racing Rag Special Report MITCH McCONNELL EXCLUSIVE! If everybody else had these stories they wouldn't be exclusive.
SUPER NONUTS Donut shop owner Mitch is a mild mannered Kentuckan with a peanut allergy who refuses to move into the 20th century by updating the donut menu with trendy items or nuts. Comedy situations arise as new employee Paul tries to convince timid Mitch they should both go into politics.
PROFILES IN COWARDICE - DECLARATION OF DEPENDENCE King Donald sends word of his displeasure with colonists demanding independence and threatens the lives of his agents known as Republicans and confiscates their properties in England. They quickly offer apologies and draft a declaration swearing their loyalty to the King.
LEGISLATION AND NOMINATION CONSTIPATION Mitch McConstipation joins the cast of a popular television commercial from the 2016 Super Bowl. His theme of inability to pass legislation or process judicial nominations despite his position as majority leader fits in nicely ad-wise with the ubiquitous constipated digestive tract guy.
CSI UNITED STATES CONGRESS TV's favorite familiar crime drama franchise expands to Washington D.C. and specifically to the halls of the United States Congress which many consider the home of many of the biggest crimes in American history. After gaining power over both the House and Senate many Republicans thought they might be able to implement the GOP billionaire sponsored agenda but petty infighting and squabbling within the GOP immediately escalates like a power struggle in a third world drug cartel and brings all governance to a standstill. When the Department of Homeland Security is shut down as a result of stubborn Tea Party types refusal to compromise law enforcement warns Congress they are endangering the lives of Americans but nothing is done and when the deadly and inevitable result occurs Congressional leaders are left sobbing and crying like impotent incompetent jackasses. Rated R for violence bad language and patriotic revulsion.
McMAJORITY McRULE This made for TV movie has more product placement than Costco. Literally every scene features products available for purchase and then advertised again during endless commercial breaks. In fact many of the commercials are better than this movie which is a silly fantasy romp through some make believe American utopia where everyone is deliriously happy buying breaking and replacing gadgets with junk and junk with gadgets. In this corporate made ode to the corporate point of view consumer satisfaction is the be all end all source of all joy and happiness. The "Happy" remix soundtrack is available for download everywhere.
DUMBER AND DUMBER In yet another movie sequel to the original Mitch McConnell and John Boehner are back with a new plan to kill the Affordable Care Act a.k.a Obamacare. This time they hope to do it through the Supreme Court and embark on a journey to persuade each of the nine Supreme Court Justices one at a time. Hilarity ensues as this pair of knuckleheads seek the cancellation of their own healthcare coverage with absolutely no plan to replace it with anything at all.
YEAR OF THE TURTLE This timely documentary is amazing because sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. Mitch McConnell was facing his fourth reelection campaign with nothing but his government pension to fall back on if he lost because his family realty business was in the toilet and near bankruptcy. Then a Chinese heiress that had attained a high government post appeared out of nowhere and swept McConnell off his feet and after a whirlwind romance and new cash in the campaign coffers Mitch was reelected Senator from Kentucky. Today having won his sixth term as Senator in the Chinese Year of the Turtle Mitch moves to the new office as Senate Majority Leader. The icing on his cake is the McConnell family bank account is now stuffed with over $100 million dollars after a new "inheritance" from his wife's Chinese billionaire family.
A PLACE FOR TURTLE The new MSDNC network shows it's compassionate side with this heartwarming story about a subject that affects every family. After being forced into an unplanned retirement Turtle played convincingly by Mitch McConnell struggles with depression when his former GOP best friends shun him like rotten hamburger and give him the Eric Cantor silent treatment. When his Chinese cabbage patch dries up and he is told to move out his expensive digs none other than Alison Lundergan Grimes playing a kind hearted woman who replaced Turtle at work takes it upon herself to find a lovely place for Turtle to retire. An inspiring friendship develops giving hope to seniors who rated this movie overwhemingly positive. AARP recommended.
MITCH McCONNELL TURTLE POWER Is the latest heart tugging LIFELINE movie about another goofy out of date Grandpa confused by an age and culture gap that seems to be widening every day. In a miniscule acting challenge McConnell plays a 70 year old lifetime Kentucky politician who after a 30 year career suddenly discovers all of his political support has grown old just like him and his popularity has tanked to new lows with Kentucky voters under the age of 70. Desperate for younger voters McConnell hires a new campaign manager who immediately puts his candidate in a Ninja Turtle costume to make appearances at four Chuck E. Cheese birthday parties followed by a meeting with the original KYnect or Kentucky Obamacare Pajama Boy. He's now a student at the University Of Louisville and a leader of a new national Super PAC called SPJ or Student Pajama Juice formed to promote student pajama clubs across America and hold pajama voting parties.
THE VICTORY OF TREACHERY has blockbuster written all over it. After winning a rabidly loyal following in the Commonwealth of Kentucky the young Rand Paul permanently upgrades his bastard son status among the elderly oligarchs by lending his wizardly campaign manager to the very candidate his followers most want to flog, stone and behead. After his baffled followers are duped out of their chance of defeating the hated Mitch McConnell they are mercilessly flayed in as gruesome a scene of bloody betrayal as the Commonwealth has seen in centuries. Just in time Lady Alison played by Alison Lundergan Grimes arrives on the otherwise dreary scene and the action sparkles. Her energetic debut is looking more and more like a potential Oscar winning role in her first time up on the big screen.
THE MITCH MCCONNELL DANCE PARTY is coming to AARP-TV this summer throughout the Southern region. Check your local listings. Not many people remember Mitch McConnell's record but it goes way back. When a heckler at a recent public appearance yelled out "Hey Mitch how you gonna dance around your record?" McConnell knew just what to do. He gathered up his 240 remaining copies of his 44 year old "Dance Party" LP and handed them out to his platinum campaign contributors. Old folks started playing it at rest homes and just like that it went viral along with a semi-acute respiratory syndrome that was traced to the storage room where the records were kept. Despite the oddity of the circumstances the music is popular enough in Kentucky that AARP-TV signed McConnell for at least 22 weekly "Dance Party" episodes.
AT WORLD'S END AGAIN is the sequel to the prequel and once again the action finds Captains Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell searching desperately to find a sea lane by which to escape the whirlpool they keep sailing around in circles. This time both Captains are on the same ship and tensions are incredibly high because of a mutinous tea drinking crew and the fact that half the world's gold and treasure is in the cargo hold. A sinking could spawn a tsunami sized economic ripple effect worldwide. Only On Bermuda's Triangle TV Network.
AT WORLD'S END AGAIN opens yesterday.
DUMB AND DUMBER IN WASHINGTON D.C. arrives just in time to lighten the mood before suicidal Republicans force the United States government into default in order to protest Obamacare. While the pair's movie shenanigans are outrageous they are no less outrageous or dumb than their recent actions in real life.
In the year 2014 two classes of people exist... the very wealthy who live on a pristine gated communities outside of Louisville and Memphis and the rest who live in a huge coal mining wasteland, a completely ruined and polluted section of Kentucky call Effluvium. The people of Effluvium are desperate to escape the area's toxic chemicals and noxious air and they critically need the Obamacare medical care available in other states but honor bound Southern gentlemen and conservative Republicans will stop at nothing to preserve their right to make huge profits and employ a non-union workforce that affords their luxurious lifestyle.
EFFLUVIUM starring Mitch McConnell and Matt DamonEFFLUVIUM starring Mitch McConnell and Matt Damon
Haunted by the assclown tattoo he got from an Alaska woman the deck seems stacked against Mitch McConnell winning his sixth Kentucky Senate championship belt. He's taking it from the left and the right and the left and the right and oooh! a low blow to the groin and Jesus he's an old man and for chrissakes they want him to have a body like a Chippendale dancer because the Democrats have an attractive female opponent.
MITCH SIX is a special ringside look at Super Brawl 2014.
THE POLITICOWS is new animated TV series from Pixfarm Productions. The characters are all right of center cows who discuss Republican politics while doing dairy cow things like eating and getting milked. In the opening episode Mitch Milker is worried and senses things may be near the tipping point when a neighboring Arabian horse farm owner imports an expensive breeding bull from Egypt named Holsteen Moobarak.
THE POLITICOWS is new animated TV series where cows discuss Republican politics.
McConnell Cries Uncle! Reid bests McConnell without using the dreaded nuclear option. A humiliated Senate Minority Leader McConnell hastily agreed to approve pending Administration cabinet selections soon after his protests of the end of the world turned to little piggy squeals. July 16, 2013. Senate Wrestlemania
McConnell surrenders.
Senate Nuclear Option! Mitch McConnell screams in terror. The so-called nuclear option would simply assure Administration cabinet selections an up or down vote on the Senate floor. Senate Minority Leader McConnell's protests of the end of the world appear distorted and unreal. July 13, 2013. Crayola Senate Coloring Book
McConnell screams about nuclear option.
Breaking NewsSecret Recording Of McConnell Mocking Opposition Engenders Senate Ethics Investigation! Opposition research done by Senate employees. With so much to be done in Washington the highly paid Congressional staff of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell spends their time doing political opposition research for McConnell's 2014 reelection bid. A secret recording of McConnell mocking a former potential challenger was released causing an embarrassed McConnell to feign outrage and accuse Democrats of Watergate style tactics despite no evidence of the criminal conspiracy, trespassing, forced entry, felony burglary, felony grand theft or felony perjury charges associated with Watergate. The F.B.I. said it is investigating. April 12, 2013.
A secret recording of Mitch McConnell mocking his opposition draws Senate Ethics investigation.
Mitch McConnell Sucks Kochs For Cash! GOP plans $1 billion dollar ad war against President Obama! GOP Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is the go-to guy for billionaire wish lists in Congress and he demands plenty in return for his contemptible betrayal of the American people. His bloodlust for campaign cash is both legendary and the principal reason he remains in power despite possessing an overwhelming personal ick factor that even his home state constituents do not deny. June 19, 2012. Vampire Union Online
Mitch McConnell sucks Kochs for cash!
Emergency GOP Strategy Session! Unemployment lowest since Obama took office! Republican Congressional leaders held an emergency strategy session but were unable to develop any new coherent strategy or consensus after a chaotic discussion. Up until the latest jobs numbers came out, the GOP strategy was simple; Congressional obstructionism to everything President Obama proposes, spreading the message of pessimism and doom, discouraging businesses to hire or invest by creating artificial crisis after crisis in Congress and hoping that the slowly recovering economy tailspins into the toilet just in time for the 2012 elections in November. The possibility of a rapidly improving economy on election day has a stooge fest of GOP Congressional leaders plotting to increase their ongoing sabotage of the U.S. economy in order to win more seats and more power. February 3, 2011. Congressional Stooge News
Republican's election strategy goes to shit!
Mitch McConnell Smells Blood! Twice as many Senate Democrats running for re-election creates a huge opportunity for new Republican blood and power in the U.S. Senate. Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has almost appeared lifelike recently. He knows that if he sabotages President Obama's American Jobs Act and does everything in his power to ruin the American economic recovery and eagerly resorts to outright treason against American workers, teachers, cops, soldiers and their families he may well become Senate Majority Leader. With that power he could have new coats of wax applied daily over his rotting zombie flesh. September 22, 2011. Senate Bldg Basement.
McConnell smells blood.
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