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 Rick Santorum EXCLUSIVE! If everybody else had these stories they wouldn't be exclusive. |
 | RICK SANTORUM IS BUTTJUICE Rick Santorum, whose political career dies after going on the attack against gays who weren't homeschooled, finds himself in a strange hell where every time he says something stupid he faces intense public ridicule and is buried by an avalanche of nasty insults. |
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| MAD MAX - KID TABLE Furious over their scenes being left on the cutting room floor two underemployed movie extras and a Hollywood stuntman steal a truck full of Oscar nominated movie props and memorabilia and head for an abandoned travel trailer hideout on ten acres of desert land near Lake Los Angeles in the Antelope Valley. |
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| ESCALATOR TO HEAVEN Rick Santorum stars in his first movie of 2015 and it's not his worst since first hitting the big Iowa screen in 2012. His undercover name is Boco Santorum and he is a roving home school adviser that advises parents and frightens incorrigible children into strict obedience. Using a modified Vulcan mind meld technique he implants fiery burning in hell videos into the children's terrified minds to the delight of hapless humble parents. At the end of the home school year Boco departs for his annual summer vacation on his escalator to heaven where he recharges his batteries. |
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| ON THE WINGS OF A PRAYER This original made-for-TV movie is coming to PRAY-TV where devoted viewers can watch this heartburning tale of a candidate who rejected money from the devil and ran up a $2 millon campaign debt. In a moment of despair Rick Santorum playing himself kneels to pray intensely and then looks skyward to experience a vision some would call hallucinatory that uplifts his spirit and fills him with hope for his future. From the producers of "19 Homeschool Kids And Bankrupt". |
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| Santorum Succumbs! Santorum submits to Lord Mitt Romney and ends campaign after restless night on Barcalounger leather recliner. Santorum was able to avoid a public crucifixion and personal political humiliation on April 27 in his home state of Pennsylvania. April 10, 2012. Passion Planet Weekly |
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| Santorum Has Passion And Must Go On! Republican guards loyal to Lord Mitt Romney try to shout a battered and bleeding Rick Santorum into submission but he refuses to give up. Romney has almost all the Republican powers that be on his team now and the Republican status quo is ready to go on the attack against President Obama. However, a defiant and pious Rick Santorum, despite overwhelming odds, soldiers on to his certain political destruction possibly coming April 27 in his home state of Pennsylvania. April 5, 2012. Passion Planet Weekly |
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| Santorum Louisiana Celebration Subdued! Victory parade goes just once around the block and then on to Wisconsin. Rick Santorum easily won the Louisiana GOP primary with the overwhelming support of a very right wing conservative electorate with whom the message of time travel to the past resonated like a Confederate flag. The only science accepted in Louisiana is oil science and the Santorum platform of climate change denial, creationism and a flat earth approach to knowledge and science appeals to the most poorly educated populace in America. The campaign limousine of frontrunner Mitt Romney spun out on a delta neighborhood oil slick attempting an irrationally hard right turn. March 26, 2012. Holy Santorum News |
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Santorum Pledges Allegiance To God! Santorum's God says founding fathers were all wrong about separation of church and state. Rick Santorum is on a religious crusade that will not stop until Rick Santorum is just a bad memory and footnote of American politics. Until then, a flood of sanctimonious horseshit like a Santorum rewrite of the pledge of allegiance will be the least of America's problems in a Santorum led Armageddon. March 17, 2012. Holy Santorum News |
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Santorum Puzzled In Puerto Rico! Says speak English for Christ sakes. Rick Santorum couldn't understand what the hell the Puerto Ricans were saying and it was very frustrating because he couldn't tell if he was being cheered or jeered when he falsely claimed Puerto Rico must make English the official language before applying for statehood. Whenever Santorum attacked President Obama in his speech the crowd cheered wildly when they should have booed which made Santorum wonder why the hell was he in Puerto Rico anyway. March 15, 2012. Chico's Puerto Rico News |
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| Santorum Finds Support Up The Yazoo! Rick Santorum's Mississippi victory attributed to overwhelming conservative support along Mississippi's scenic Yazoo River. Santorum won both Mississippi and Alabama spoiling Mitt Romney's victory march to what may now be a divided GOP convention in August. Newt Gingrich was the biggest loser since his must-win Southern strategy was proven a Southern self-delusion. March 14, 2012. Yazoo City Slicker |
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Santorum Takes Caucus In Kansas! Right-wing Evangelicals and Tea Parties employ Kansas Caucus umpires so victory was predicted but still impressive. Rick has been pitching great ball for the Chicken Hawks considering the payroll of the opposition teams especially the Romneyville Vultures. If Santorum wins both games in Mississippi and Alabama on March 13 he'll have a good chance of playing all the way to the World Series GOP convention in August. Unfortunately, Chicken Hawk Santorum continues to pitch a reckless warmonger curve ball that makes fans squirm and yet is a bright yellow chicken-feathered coward when it comes to calling out Rush Limbaugh for slanderous attacks on female spectators. March 11, 2012. Kansas Caucus Cackler |
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| Santorum Rallies Slobs Against Snobs! Says large families of high school dropouts insulted by thought that college would have been helpful. Santorum is playing the fat family card, the redneck white trash card, the blue collar envy card, and the indignant Catholic card in a bizarre rule-breaking strategy to beat Michigan born Mitt Romney in Michigan. The Santorum campaign is almost fearless as they soar over the top with outrageous crazy talk and underdog tactics trying to not only win Michigan but bleed the once flush Romney campaign treasury dry. February 28, 2012. Sal's Hot Tub Blog |
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| Tea Party Moses Sent Women Back! Dissenters accused real Moses of phony theology. The tea-drinking al-Santorum sect thought Moses coddled women by not demanding absolute obedience 100% of the time. Tea Party Moses, as he was known, had heated confrontations for months in the desert wilderness with the real Moses until he finally led a small sect away and back in the direction of the Pharaoh. The women in the dissident sect tried their best to obey and please the al-Santorum men but in the scorching heat of the Egyptian sun it was impossible. When the group finally reached the Red Sea, Tea Party Moses sold the women into slavery and they were returned to the Pharaoh. The group then moved on and established an all-male community that eventually disappeared due to the lack of progeny. February 22, 2012. Bible Believe-it-or-Not |
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| Santorum On Contraception! Santorum plan goes way beyond Congressional Republicans bill to let employers deny coverage for birth control in employee health insurance plans. Rick Santorum says making women undergo an interrogation by their employers about their sexual activities when requesting access to contraceptives is a good first step but he would prefer criminalization of contraception and mandatory elementary school education about eternal damnation and how God will send young girls to hell and their flesh will fry for eternity if they get pregnant outside the boundaries of a marriage sanctified by their church and God. Santorum is so certain of his beliefs he's considering introducing an expanded Super Amendment to the U.S. Constitution outlawing gay marriage, abortion, contraception, bible burning and criticism of Ronald Reagan. The most recent national GOP polls show Santorum pulling slightly ahead of Mitt Romney thereby emphatically proving Santorum's position that public education is a money-burning disaster that produces generations of intelligence-challenged children who grow up to be uninformed voters. Santorum believes home schooling of Biblical principles including obedience by women who are forbidden from sex except to have children is the path a righteous America must take to remain a shining city on the hill where the world shakes off their utter disbelief at American stupidity and looks to our great nation as the greatest inspiration to mankind since Jesus Christ. February 14, 2012. My Santorum News |
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| You Can't Make This Stuff Up! "I had nothing to do with this" protests Santorum look-alike. Who could believe that Republicans would rally around a candidate that sells nostalgia for an America that never existed. An imaginary place were Rick Santorum's grandfather lived in peace and prosperity except, of course, for two world wars, a great depression, rampant hate and racial prejudice, poverty, illiteracy, ignorance, disease and so many other bad things better left in the past. Never mind facts or truth or history or reality. Rick Santorum doesn't believe in evolution, climate change or women's rights and neither do any of his home-schooled children who will not be scholars to say the least. Santorum should have been laughed out of the contest long ago but one can never underestimate the GOP electorate's appetite for nostalgia and ignorance. February 10, 2012. My Santorum News |
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| Santorum Ecstatic After Triple Penetration! Rick makes Swiss cheese out of Romney's nationwide campaign strategy. In a shocking turn of events Rick Santorum won all three states up for grabs on Tuesday. Romney and Gingrich had been in such a frothy lather attacking each other they didn't see Santorum sneaking up behind them. Santorum made a smart move pulling out early in Florida and now his enlarged win column includes Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado. The quick thinking Santorum aide who found a giant foam hand with three fingers up just yesterday said he also found a five finger foam fist for use on Super Tuesday. February 8, 2012. My Santorum News |
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| Rick Santorum Says It's Not His Job To Correct Old Ladies' Crazy Ideas! Santorum says he's not obligated to go around correcting old ladies that think he's in heat like an alley cat and so sexually tormented that he's deliriously lusting for a manly war with Iran. Many of the longtime members of a support group for parents of gays and lesbians were certain that Rick Santorum's homophobia and repressed sexual urges had built up such an unnatural rage inside Santorum that Rick, who never served in the military, is now the most eager of warmongering chicken hawks in the Republican Presidential race. Santorum has promised to start an unauthorized war with Iran and slaughter thousands of Iranians in order to prevent Iran from developing the ability to build a nuclear bomb. January 25, 2012. San Francisco Daily Digestor |
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| Evangelicals Anoint Santorum! Conservative Evangelical Christian leaders gathered in the Texas wilderness to select the one true Republican savior and settled for Rick Santorum. Evangelical religious leaders meeting over the weekend have circled their prayer wagons around Rick Santorum who surprisingly received an overwhelming majority after only two ballots. Rick Santorum is now the official right-wing church sanctioned anti-Romney Republican candidate. Church leaders felt Santorum's two-fer of well documented hatred for gays and lesbians and his promise to start an unauthorized war with Iran and slaughter thousands of Iranians, best demonstrated the Texas gathering's understanding of Christianity and their deep belief in the the King Of Peace, Jesus Christ. January 17, 2012. Texas Word Of God News |
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Santorum Promises War With Iran! Giddy Rick is war monger politician for Christ's sake! Rick Santorum is a big goofball with as much love for his home-schooled family as he has pure blind hatred for the Islamic peoples of Iran who would dare differ in opinion from a sweater-vested twerp who is eager to bomb them all into martyrdom. Santorum has made his guarantee of a U.S. military attack on Iran and the apocalyptic war to follow his most passionate campaign promise. Evangelical Iowans won't be choosing a candidate if Santorum wins, they'll be declaring a holy war on Iran. January 2, 2012. Iowa Killing Fields |
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Santorum Rally Cornfuses Experts! Santorum gains in Iowa even as Romney rolls out million dollar gold plated campaign ad machine! Rick Santorum has been toiling near the bottom land of Iowa polls for weeks but suddenly his campaign is plowing into the top tier territory for the first time ever. Santorum has run family-filled ads featuring his seven home-schooled children and apparently Iowa's children of the corn have responded in bushel baskets. Other candidates have leveled few attacks at Santorum assuming he was a scarecrow but the latest GOP Almanac has been but a booklet of bad predictions from the beginning. January 1, 2012. Iowa Cornrow Highway |
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Tortoise Crawls Past Hare In Iowa! Santorum moves into third place as hare Perry runs wrong direction! Rick Santorum was delighted! For the first time the self-proclaimed tortoise has seen a surge of support in Iowa. The collapse of support for Michele Bachmann and Newt Gingrich due to uncounted tons of roughage and the hare-brained dashing in all directions of Rick Perry created an opening and Rick Santorum has inched his way forward at top speed. The tortoise has previously said if he didn't do well in Iowa he was out of the race. December 29, 2011. Iowa Downs Raceway |
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Flustered Perry May Quit Debates! Perry thinks out of the box after humiliating loss to smart refrigerator! Rick Santorum says he would never think of quitting the debates but a 1998 Frigidaire smart refrigerator out-thought both Perry and Santorum in this recent test of brainpower. Neither candidate believes in science on basics like evolution or climate change so their defeat by a machine programmed with facts was somewhat expected. After the contest both candidates scoffed at the refrigerator for it's opposition to economic injustices that deny consumers more access to the refrigerator's extended family of smart appliances. October 27, 2011. Iced Tea Party Debate. |
| Daniels Pulls Out, Leaving Santorum! Rick Santorum ready to throw his hat in the ring. Former Senator Santorum has worked up a frothy mixture of lubrication and alteration of his announcement speech, the byproduct of Mitch Daniels pulling out just as Santorum is jumping in. "Santorum happens", an aide said. May 24, 2011. Rocky's Phillybuster Gym |
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 | DeMint-Santorum Unite For Humanity! Pair cite solemn vows to oppose Vampire Rights Amendment and DeMint promises to filibuster all night long if necessary. Senator Jim DeMint and Former Senator Rick Santorum have formed a union to oppose the controversial Vampire Rights Amendment that had been surreptitiously inserted into a House budget measure and somehow slipped through that body of the legislature. However, a staffer of former Senator Santorum found out and hooked up with a staffer of Senator DeMint who then brought up the matter to the Senator and arranged a meeting for DeMint with Santorum. Bonding was immediate as both men have been leaders in making retractable condemnations of what they consider abominations and neither man could stomach any government activity that did not include an expression of revulsion at the immorality of the vampire hordes. October 9, 2010. Jackson Mississippi Community Center via satellite from Myrtle Beach |
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