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RICK PERRY EXCLUSIVE! If everybody else had these stories they wouldn't be exclusive.

CONTALK starring BEN CARSON After Ben played by Ben Carson ends his campaign for the nomination he still has enough money left to buy a radio station and host his own talk show. Within weeks some of the biggest donors to his presidential superPAC are sentenced to prison and Ben finds his niche as a crusader for prison reform.

CON UBER After a daring prison escape three convicts use a smartphone and Uber app to hail a getaway ride 1/2 mile from the prison gate. While two convicts head for Canada to pursue political careers Rick Perry wants to stay and run for the U.S. Presidency despite pending charges. Don't miss the hilarious cameo by Nicolas Cage.

TRAINING DAY It's spring training for the first GOP debate scheduled for this coming August and this new Iowa-based reality show already has cameras in place shooting behind-the-scenes action at Pat Robertson's candidate campaign camp. 85 year-old Robertson has reopened his training facility every four years since his losing run for the GOP nomination in 1988. His Iowa-sensitive curriculum includes a class on correct corn dog consumption considered a core prerequisite of any serious Iowa campaign.

HANDS UP In this first installment of a three part paid television special entitled "Hands Up - Rick Perry Goes To Washington" While still Governor Rick Perry is in Washington D.C. on official Texas business when he notices a large gathering of mostly black men. Suspecting suspicious activity Rick pulls out his pistol and moves in shouting "Hands Up" to the mystified gathering of Congressional staffers. The incident was recorded and went viral and from then on crowds pro and con greet Perry at every stop by raising their hands. Later that same day Perry shoots a Chinese tourist for littering and wins support from anti-Asian Republicans. The 58 year-old woman apologizes and says she wants to go home dramatically concluding part one on a freeze frame of a stern looking Rick Perry at the Washington Monument.

THE TEXAS VIRUS Ripped from the headlines at record speed this movie of the week on Texas BBS "We got the sauce" stations is a suspense packed drama. It starts at a private GOP fundraiser held at the Alamo in San Antonio with some suspicious gulf shrimp dip. At first people felt euphoric and wrote checks for large donations but then when they started spitting flames like butane lighters the Texas Haz-mat Volunteer All Stars were called. Within 5-7 days they responded but by then it was too late.

THE INDICTABLES No doubt an obsessive Sylvester Stallone fan is behind the making of this 98 minute movie drama that substitutes inside the ammo belt riffs off Stallone's Expendables movie franchise to create the impression of action but the movie wheels of this courtroom justice are actually grinding along in a relatively slow gear. Tensions mount like a human pyramid as Republican Governors keep getting indicted and investigated in a suspicious flurry of activity reeking of a political plot so diabolically clever as to suggest confirmation of multiple intelligent design theories. Watching the Indictables crumble in their reckoning with the five stages of grief as their careers disintegrate it seems for the first time these disgraced Governors become liberated enough to reveal the real people behind their political masks.

TEXAS TRUE BLOOD It's been a bloody 15 years since Rick Perry replaced George W. Bush as Governor of Texas and many Texans finally feel Vampire Rick has gotten a bit long in the fangs. In the final episode of this final season of the Texas BBS "We got the sauce" series Texas True Blood Vampire Rick will take to ground Greg Abbott his handpicked successor for the Texas Governor's mansion. As his maker Rick Perry will leave a huge impact on the new Governor if elected when a brand new series debuts next year with the working title TEXAS TRUE BLOOD II - NEW BLOOD.

MADEA GOES TO PRISON This comedy is the latest movie laugh riot from that franchise character named Madea played by Tyler Perry. The action starts with Madea being held in a Texas prison after her conviction (on appeal) for beating a persistent Mexican fruit vendor into a coma in a crosswalk with his own bag of cantaloupes. After a series of classic Madea disputes with the prison staff Madea is assigned a new cellmate with a deep voice and a five o'clock shadow who says her name is Chelsea but sounds more like a Texas-talkin Darth Vader. Rick Perry who has gone all in with his entertainment career has found his calling with an impressive comedy debut.

JAILHOUSE ROCK 2014 Everyone thought Rick Perry was going to run for the Republican nomination for President but everybody was wrong. Perry had been secretly recording tracks with his favorite pop star Justin Bieber and has been anticipating the day he can devote full time to music which turns out has always been his first love after hearing Elvis Presley on the radio as a child. This week Perry finally dropped his secret bombshell and has unveiled his public relations campaign for his new career starting with an arrest for abuse of power to give him some street cred with the young music buyers. His debut album arrives October 22 and his movie will start showing in November after election day.

FOXHOLES - DEFENDING THE BORDER Outgoing Governor and 2016 Presidential hopeful Rick Perry and Sean Hannity team up to solve the child refugee crisis at the Texas border in what they call the Walker Texas Ranger Style of immediately booting the refugees all the way back to where they come from. Walker who once had a court order to stay away from his grandchildren says a big boot in the ass the only thing they understand since they don't speak English. In the premiere episode the duo destroy a church school bus in a covert ops action after they learn of a plot to move a group of refugee children away from the border.

RICK PERRY'S FAVORITE TATTOOS is a new reality show based in Texas where retiring Governor Rick Perry and a Republican dominated state legislature have tattooed women with the worst and meanest women's public healthcare system in America. Many third world countries provide more care for poor pregnant women than the state of Texas. If you like great big female ass tattoos this is must see TV.

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF TEXAS is a special TV series about the wonders of Texas and is set to debut on Texas BBS public television stations "We Got The Sauce" before Christmas or the Rapture whichever comes first. Texas has become the epicenter of Apocalyptic phenomena and the bizarre wonders of nature gone wild are found nearly everywhere in Texas. A heckuva lot of half-men and half-animal critters thrive in the many hot and hazardous hell hole sections of the state. Episode One finds an older and wiser Long Horn Perry annoyed to discover renegade Prairie Dog Cruz digging holes everywhere he likes to graze.

In Rick Perry's WITLESS PROTECTION Ranger Rick goes undercover as a rogue rodeo clown at the Missouri State Fair in his hunt to find the only rodeo clown on the circuit who voted for President Obama among other crimes but finds himself on the receiving end of some fierce blow back from several large black Chicago bred bulls who confront him in the feed barn after the show.

Oops! Backers lost so much money the first time around with Rick Perry's LOAN RANGER that Texas logic says they had to make the sequel and try to recoup some of the losses. Don't expect this second go around to make any more sense than the original but a Rick Perry cowboy fantasy is always entertaining to a certain herd of folks. The Loan Ranger's hapless sidekick Bobby Tonto can't win for losin' as his tribe gets slaughtered for the third time and this time it's oilmen who drill 'em all.

Rick Perry Has Preventative Double Lobotomy! Texas Governor returns to work the following day. When asked if he didn't think he was returning to the governor's job too soon after his operation Perry deadpanned "What operation?" May 14, 2013. Texas Journal of Healthlessness

Tortoise Crawls Past Hare In Iowa! Santorum moves into third place as hare Perry runs wrong direction! Rick Santorum was delighted! For the first time the self-proclaimed tortoise has seen a surge of support in Iowa. The collapse of support for Michele Bachmann and Newt Gingrich due to uncounted tons of roughage and the hare-brained dashing in all directions of Rick Perry created an opening and Rick Santorum has inched his way forward at top speed. The tortoise has previously said if he didn't do well in Iowa he was out of the race. December 29, 2011. Iowa Downs Raceway

Flustered Perry May Quit Debates! Perry thinks out of the box after humiliating loss to smart refrigerator! Rick Santorum says he would never think of quitting the debates but a 1998 Frigidaire smart refrigerator out-thought both Perry and Santorum in this recent test of brainpower. Neither candidate believes in science on basics like evolution or climate change so their defeat by a machine programmed with facts was somewhat expected. After the contest both candidates scoffed at the refrigerator for it's opposition to economic injustices that deny consumers more access to the refrigerator's extended family of smart appliances. October 27, 2011. Iced Tea Party Debate.

Perry Eyes Military Invasion Of Mexico! Open to U.S. troops in Mexico killing Mexicans. Rick Perry says U.S. troops may be needed for the purpose of killing criminal drug cartels. Rick Perry is winning the who's dumber race with George W. Bush and a military invasion of Mexico would clinch it. October 3, 2011. Texas Slow Thinker Derby.

Cain Able To Lead Brother To Death! Cain slays fundraising ability of frontrunner Rick Perry. GOP Tea Party fratricide continues. Florida GOP Tea Party activists gave Herman Cain a huge victory in the Florida GOP straw vote. He bludgeoned heavily favored Republican brother Rick Perry by a 2 to 1 margin. Cain finished with 37%, Perry 15%, Mitt Romney 14%, Rick Santorum 11% and Ron Paul 11%. At only 4%, former Tea Party darling Michele Bachmann has been tossed under the gunpowder wagon. Herman Cain was able to upset Perry with a superior debate performance, non-stop meet and greet events, and a rousing speech one hour before the voting began. Perry did not attend or make a speech given a mutinous crowd and Herman Cain's oratory talent. These are the same folks who booed a gay soldier on duty in Iraq and cheered for letting an indigent accident victim die. Perry's best bet was to just fold his weak hand in a rigged game that backfired and ride on outta town, which he did. September 26, 2011. Florida Pekoe Tea Party.

Injector In Chief! Texas Governor Rick Perry is America's most injection-happy Governor. Perry has a hair trigger when it comes to ordering government mandated injections. From putting hundreds of Texas prisoners to death or mandating government injections into the bodies of all innocent little 11 year old girls in the state of Texas. Perry has been the most needle-happy Governor in American history by a Texas mile. September 16, 2011. Texas Injection Room

Perry Brags While Texas Burns! While out of control fires burned 1700 homes to the ground, Rick Perry was in California bragging Texas air is cleaner than ever. Last year, in the midst of a years long bone dry drought, Governor Perry slashed the Texas volunteer fire department's budgets by over 75% and asked Texans to pray for rain. Folks prayed for the Dallas Cowboys instead. After dismissing climate change and evolution as unproven scientific theories, candidate Perry wasn't even asked which scientific research concluded Texas air is cleaner than ever. September 10, 2011. Rick's Open Pit Texas BBQ

Candidate Perry Pisses On El Paso! Rick Perry calls President Obama liar in crude denial of friendly facts. El Paso business leaders are red-faced and flabbergasted. El Paso, Texas was recently named safest big city in America for the second consecutive year and local business and civic leaders hoped the recognition their city received from a recent Presidential visit would bring more business and jobs. However, at the Republican debate inside the Reagan library in California, Perry was so eager to diss and dismiss President Obama that he pissed on his own people in El Paso by emphatically declaring El Paso UNSAFE. More than problematic, Perry's political performance appeared piss poor to the people of El Paso. September 8, 2011. Reagan Replica Library

Perry / Bachmann Merger Possible! Perry takes lead but Bachmann not ready to submit just yet. It would be the dream ticket for Tea Party fanatics with all the excitement of a royal wedding or old-time public hanging. However, Michele Bachmann intends to hold out until South Carolina which is a must win state for her. Rick Perry made a bold move to announce his candidacy and then immediately take the lead in national polls just as Bachmann claimed her victory in the Iowa straw poll. Both candidates lay claim to Tea Party support so a naturally occurring merger seems possible at any unexpected moment between the two very attractive candidates. August 31, 2011. Texas Country Club Tea House Bed & Breakfast BBQ

Perry Eager To Lead War On Satan! Rick Perry's is a warrior for God and intends to use the U.S. military to wage a Holy War on evil anywhere in the world. By eliminating spending programs like Social Security, which Rick calls an illegal Ponzi scheme, Perry intends to dramatically increase military spending to finance a final conflagration big enough to bring Jesus home to planet earth. Perry knows for certain Americans will shrug off their war weariness after Afghanistan and Iraq to support a war for the cause of Jesus. Perry is 100% certain the entire military will support him over President Obama because he was in the Air Force. August 29, 2011. Texas Holy War College

GOP Evangelicals Launch Holy War! Campaigns considered "spiritual warfare". Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry are true believers of an Evangelical religious ideology called the New Apostolic Reformation (NAR). NAR is anti-abortion, anti-gay, anti-Muslim, anti-Jew, and anti-government. The top priorities are to convert Jews to Christianity before Jesus arrives and use the power of the Presidency in order to wage the ultimate war on Satan and advance the end times. August 23, 2011. Holy Land Dude Ranch Texas

Read My Lips, No New Texans! Rick Perry's politics to the right of Genghis Khan. Even Libertarian Ron Paul was quoted as saying "Perry makes me look like a moderate!". From climate change to evolution to social security to minimum wage to healthcare to income tax, Rick Perry's agin' all of it and y'all are either with Rick on every single dad gum thing Rick believes or y'all are agin' God his self. August 22, 2011. Bush Science Reform School

GOP Treasury Man Calls Perry An Idiot! Reagan domestic policy advisor and U.S. Treasury official ridicules Perry. Responding to Perry's attacks on FED Chairman Ben Bernanke, Bruce Bartlett said "Rick Perry's an idiot and I don't think anyone would disagree with that" on a CNN national news broadcast. Meanwhile, Perry doubled down on the campaign trail saying it would be treasonous to print money to help improve the United States economy if it hurt his chances of gettin' elected President in 2012. August 17, 2011. Texas Arithmatic School

Talkin Big As Texas Rick Perry's "Big Talk" symptomatic of "Mad Cowboy" or "Foot-in-Mouth" disease". He's only been on the campaign trail for a few days but has already bellowed out a ton of baseless boneheaded bullshit. Claiming to speak for all U.S. troops, "They prefer me." Claiming he knows monetary policy, "Bernanke is a traitor and would be whoop-assed down in Texas." Claiming he knows science, "Global warming is a lie made up by greedy liberals." Other big talk and tall tales includes all Perry has said about a Texas jobs boom which was fueled by Federal stimulus money Perry begged for. August 16, 2011. Iowa BullShit & Beer Barn

Perry Promises To Make America As Nice As Texas! Governor Perry sees the Texas miracle for America Rick Perry's two-step Texas Plan includes limiting education in order to lower frivilous employee expectations of a decent life and offering lottery games for low wage part-time employment without healthcare or other benefits. Then by eliminating unemployment insurance and the minimum wage the labor force will stay highly motivated and full employment is assured as former school teachers, firemen and Afghanistan and Iraq War veterans gratefully pull wealthy folk's weeds for $1.65 per hour. August 15, 2011. Texas Miracle Gardens

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