Michele Bachmann - Special Report

AMERICA'S GOT INSURANCE This TV game show got off to a rough start in 2013 but it's ratings are now off the charts as the show is a blockbuster TV hit. Producers of the show have been vocal in claiming responsibility for a higher percentage of Americans having health insurance than ever before. Viewership skyrocketed after co-hosts insurance spokeswoman Flo and former Congresswoman Michele got into an on-air cat fight brawl and ripped each others white smocks off. They continued to thrash and scratch and roll around fighting for over 20 minutes in bras and panties. Nobody ever thought a game show about health home and auto insurance could succeed but this show has changed television history.

TEABOLA A horror movie might seem an odd choice for Michelle Bachmann's first starring role in a major motion picture but producer and director Charles Koch said over a gourmet lobster buffet lunch that actress and soon to be retired U.S. Representative Michelle Bachmann was born to play this part and gushed that she actually became her character even in her trailer on breaks. Koch added Bachmann will likely receive many more offers to play powerful psychologically challenged women.

Let It End! Lady Bachmann's final desperate attempt to repeal Obamacare fails. Lady Bachmann was doomed from the beginning but right up until the end she was too absorbed in her vain quest for more power and fame to realize that the people did not support her efforts. June 7, 2013. Westeros Raven Reporter

Republican Ruined By Fetid Fruit! Once bountiful support now shriveled and rotten. Representative Michelle Bachman has announced she will not seek re-election for any-reason-will-do as she has become incredibly unpopular in her home district. May 30, 2013. Fruit Basket News Network (FBNN)

Exodus From Bachmann Lair!
Another top campaign aide flees after Bachmann airs dirty laundry. First her political director quit to work for Ron Paul. Then after a peeved Bachmann made an awful stink another campaign aide was either fired or sprayed depending on conflicting versions. Bachmann won the first Iowa straw poll but it's been downhill ever since despite the complete lack of hills in Iowa. Her instinctive habit of spraying inflammatory odorous fabrications and fouling the air to toxic levels in otherwise civil discourse had some members of the exodus sensing their testicles were in danger before fleeing.
December 30, 2011. Iowa Animal Control Blog

Bachmann Pole Numbers Improve!
America knows she's got talent but she now rocks balls out heavy metal. Michelle Bachmann has turned up the volume and switched to a full blown all metal attack. She won't be taking prisoners but she will be bashing heads and busting balls. She grips the pole like it's the neck of her arch rival and then does verbal gymnastics while squeezing the life out of the gasping geezer.
December 20, 2011. Aames Talent Reviewer

Bombs Bachmann Wages War!
Bachmann denies hating Iranian Muslims, she just wants them all dead. At the most recent GOP Presidential debate Michele Bachmann plead "It's in their Constitution!" We have to bomb Iran before they get a nuclear weapon and we have to bomb Iran until they say "Uncle Sam You My Maam!" If Bachmann is elected she plans to "bomb those Iranians to kingdom come, where they can enjoy their martyrdom". Bachmann thanked Herman Cain, for her new Iran policy slogans including... "Bomb, Bomb, Bomb and here's why". Ron Paul tried to hose down Bombs Bachmann's boiling bloodlust but was booed.
December 17, 2011. Iowa Great Hate Debate

Bachmann Says "I'm Your Man"
Genderbending Tea Party Congressperson says I've got a steel spine and big silver balls of uranium. Nobody in the room dared asked if they could check those facts thereby proving that Michele Bachmann may be on to something. With all the weaknesses emerging from Bachmann's male competitors, Bachmann makes a case that they need to "man up" and stop being such sniveling toddlers. The angry twirling minds of the Tea Party wing faction Bachmann claims to represent say the challenge ahead is too big for boys and boyish behavior like genital-grabbing, brain-freezing and flip-flopping on GOP-approved factual issue distortions. Bachmann is used to being the man of the house and will kick ass and take no sick or wounded prisoners in the war on Obamacare.
November 17, 2011. Tea Party Rally Revue.

Bachmann Mind Meld Unplugged!
Suddenly, Tea Party thinks Michele Bachmann is from another planet! Michele Bachmann, apparently lost her language translator and is no longer on the Tea Party dessert menu as those fickle folks gorge themselves on a new flavor of the month every month. Not long ago, Bachmann was the Tea Party's peachy keen vanilla bean ice cream right-wing darling and then overnight she was upchucked into the void of deep space and is now wandering in a worm hole while a pampered pack of pickled puckers taste the entire 31 flavors menu. It's black walnut this week, according to the current flavor craze, Herman Cain. Logically, Bachmann has time enough for a comeback but she's melting faster than her home planets' bi-polar ice caps.
October 16, 2011. Lost Flavor Frontier.

Suddenly, it's like Michele Bachmann's from another planet.

Bachmann urges Christians not to settle for less than purity.

Bachmann Urges Christian Purity!
"Don't settle for an impure candidate. Vote for me!" God has a plan and Michele Bachmann says that you'll be better off with Michele Bachmann as your pure white Christian President when God's plan hits the fan.
September 29, 2011. BJ Christ Academy

Miffed Bachmann Opposes Obama's American Jobs Act!
GOP Tea Party to propose Anti-American Jobs Act. Incensed that Obama used the "political circus" metaphor, Bachmann and other Tea Party clowns vowed to do anything to abet her power grab for the head ringleader position including sabotage of the U.S. economy similar to their debt limit rebellion.
September 9, 2011. U.S. National Zoo & Circus

Bachmann took high offense to Obama political circus metaphor.

Perry / Bachmann Merger Possible!
Perry takes lead but Bachmann not ready to submit just yet. It would be the dream ticket for Tea Party fanatics with all the excitement of a royal wedding or old-time public hanging. However, Michele Bachmann intends to hold out until South Carolina which is a must win state for her. Rick Perry made a bold move to announce his candicacy and then immediately take the lead in national polls just as Bachmann claimed her victory in the Iowa straw poll. Both candidates lay claim to Tea Party support so a naturally occurring merger seems possible at any unexpected moment between the two very attractive candidates.
August 31, 2011. Texas Country Club Tea House Bed & Breakfast BBQ

Bachmann Sets Off Metal Detectors!
Titanium spine actually 9mm titanium handgun. Nicknamed "the persuader", Michele Bachmann's "spine" travels with her when ever and where ever she goes. With the persuader and prayer Bachmann and her counselor husband may have persuaded more than one homosexual and lesbian to consumate heterosexual marraiges for the good of America and the Bachmann campaign. Bachmann says the restoration of America requires God, guns and guys who only like girl buns. Bachmann was allowed to board her Iowa straw poll victory bus despite the titanium activated metal detector alarms.
August 14, 2011. Aames Bus Depot Gun Show

Bachmann titanium spine sets off metal detectors.

Bachmann Victory Beaches Pawlenty!
Pawlenty had pleaded with Bachmann "Please stop because you're killing us" to no avail. Pawlenty has officially ended his campaign to be President. Campaigning was difficult for "TP" because he's an easy-going guy who is for laid back economic prosperity. He may now go fulfill his often stated dream of owning his own marguerita bar in Florida.
August 13, 2011. Pawlenty Tent Folding

Corn Dog Chat & Cut Causes Scene!
Bachmann cuts ahead of 25 people waiting in line for foot-long corn dogs. One man became irate when Bachmann executed a skillful chat and cut and obtained a deep-fried foot-long corn dog in less than 90 seconds. The man said he "ain't votin' for nobody in no straw vote until he gets his damn corn dog".
August 13, 2011. Iowa Fair Corn Dog Booth

Bachmann was able to buy a deep-fried foot-long corn dog in less than 90 seconds.

Bachmann Says NO To Debt Ceiling!
Michele Bachmann doubts the sky will fall. Despite predictions of an economic catasrophe, the Tea Party favorite campaigned in Iowa and refused to back down from her pledge to vote NO on raising the debt ceiling under any circumstances. Even if it takes America over the edge of our flat planet, Bachmann said she would vote NO unless Constitutional amendments to balance the budget, outlaw abortion and stop gay marraige are passed, Obamacare is repealed, a flat income tax is law, and Medicare and Social Security are privatized. Objective analysts say it could happen as soon as California falls into the ocean.
July 15, 2011. Des Moines Home & Barn Show

Bachmann says NO to raising debt ceiling.

Bachmann Steals Palin's Thunder!
Michele Bachmann roars and scores big in first major GOP debate. Sarah Palin didn't bother to attend but Michele Bachmann may have won over many of those pony-tailed true patriots on motorcycles and Tea Party mad-as-piss supporters. A forceful and agressive Bachmann was able to interject slabs of politcal red meat into the otherwise dull Republican debate with the precision of a wild animal trainer. She preened like a fist-pumping body-builder after loudly declaring Obama a "one-term President". Her loudest laugh in the room was dominating alone as she asserted her presence into virtually all the other candidate's responses.
June 6, 2011. New Hampshire Debate and Fitness Arena

Michele Bachmann Goes Running In New Hampshire!
She's not officially in the race but neither is anybody else. .. Bachmann's also not waiting for Sarah Palin to show up with a book to sell. The Minnesota Representative is making her own face time with the Tea Party people who twitter with glee in response to her rallyface rhetoric and celebrity status. Bachmann channels the nation's founding fathers with semi-ferocious lines like "Don't tell me what kind of light bulbs to buy". She's prone to making minor gaffes and rewriting American history but her frequent flubs may not matter. If she keeps working this hard she'll get more support in New Hampshire than any of the experts are expecting.
March 12, 2011. Ham & Tea Party Luncheon.