Phil Robertson of "Duck Dynasty" - Special Report

UNDER THE GNOME It used to be the most peaceful patch of garden in Louisiana but all that changed after the lawn jockey moved in near the main house portico. Just being much taller than the great white gnome was a slap in the face this proud garden gnome could not accept. After so many years of lording over his garden the hubris encrusted plaster on his base was cracking in rage at the new order of things so Phil sets out bitterly to make as much trouble in the garden as possible.

BLOOD FEUD - SPECIAL EDITION Leave it to comedian, author and humanitarian Steve Harvey to not only host a game show, a radio show and a television talk show where he consuls folks about personal problems but now he has decided to solve ALL the world's problems on prime time television with this worldwide broadcast of BLOOD FEUD - SPECIAL EDITION. Representing Louisiana Evangelical Christians and the United States will be Phil Robertson and his famous duck hunting family. Representing their version of Radical Islam and DAESH or Islamic State will be Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and his inner circle of murdering terrorists. An international agreement was signed to prevent anyone from firing missiles or using suicide bombers during the production of the show which was filmed at a secret neutral location.

FOX NEWS PRESENTS REAL-AMERICAN NEW YEAR is live on the FOX WHITE CHANNEL New Year Eve. Elisabeth Hasselbeck hosts along with the Dux Klux Klan as they bring in the new year 2014 with the traditional cross burning. Phil the Dux Klan wizard has issued a prayer to his real God that the new year be filled with the brutal deaths of infidel liberals and the colored subspecies that have destroyed America for real American white folks. Phil is feeling quite high and Jesuish lately with his network groveling for more backwoods realism and crowd pleasing hate speech under the guise of Christianity.

DUCKPLUCKER DYNASTY EPISODE XII DUCK IT"S CHRISTMAS AGAIN is Bag Nation superstar Phil Robertson's politically correct spin-off series in which he tries to repair the damage he did to the family brand nationally after a gay bashing interview in which he vilified gays as evil terrorists and bestiality minded drunkards. In his new series Phil does business with an openly homosexual couple who operate a tawdry swamp duck dinner and deli truck stop restaurant where after his morning duck hunt Phil sells his freshly bagged Christmas ducks under the table for cash.

DKTV and SWEET HOME LOUISIANA WITH BOBBY JINDAL have taken advantage of the controversy about Phil Robertson's comments in a gay magazine to promote heterosexual tourism in Louisiana. Jindal defends Robertson by saying he and his family are great citizens of the great State of Louisiana and that the politically correct crowd is tolerant of all viewpoints except those they disagree with and down here in Louisiana we don't tolerate that kind of intolerance. While we despise deviant minded homosexuals and the like and everything they and the creeping liberal socialist agenda that threatens our great way of life here in the great State of Louisiana we wanna encourage everybody to come on down to the great State of Louisiana and spend some of those tourist dollars.

Sarah Palin is everywhere. In yet another new show SARAH PALIN'S SPECIAL KIND OF STUPID Sarah takes to the great outdoors to sell her love of guns, killing critters and using her unsold books as tent logs. In SARAH'S DUCK HUNT Sarah travels to a Louisiana swamp and intentionally shuns Governor Bobby Jindal to experience the deep woods with an inbred family of swamp duck hunters.