|NEWT GINGRICH EXCLUSIVE! If everybody else had these stories they wouldn't be exclusive.|
|SIX WIVES CLUB To marry a wealthy man had been until recent generations the fastest route to financial security for women but today if the rich man becomes famous it pays equally well to be an ex-wife with incriminating information. The six wives in this film assemble yearly for what amounts to contract negotiations and bonus payments.|
|THE NEWT TESTAMENT In this episode Donald Trump thanks his speechwriter for a terrific speech that he ignores as he informs Newt he won't be his VP pick but says "Newt's a terrific, terrific guy. Believe me. He's terrific. I can say that. Right? I can. Yes he's really terrific and look at those tits. Can you believe that? I mean yeah. Terrific."|
|Gingrich Finds Hometown Support In Ohio! Newt relative Sally Mander holds fundraiser at Dave's Dive Inn Bar in downtown Columbus. The news was looking all bad for Gingrich after being humiliated like a spanked stepchild in the last four GOP primaries. And like a bad Adam Sandler movie Newt's kin lives in this town and she isn't pretty but she turned out to be cheerful and just what Newt needed to get his mojo back. Soon after the third or fourth round of drinks Newt was spewing adverbs and rhetorical nonsense like nobody else can. An almost equally over-the-top Sally Mander busted open a new box of straws and held a straw vote which Newt won easily. Newt then gave a hilarious thank you speech which was followed by raucous karaoke until 1:30 AM. Dave's Dive Inn is open for liquid breakfast at 6:00 AM.
February 9, 2012. Ohio After Dark
|Gingrich Promises Moon Colony! $2 trillion dollar spending spree for space program.
Newt Gingrich was in full blown grandiose conceptual ecstasy and got carried away pandering to a Florida Space Coast audience about the future of space exploration under a Gingrich administration. Just like when George Bush promised a manned mission to Mars everybody in the audience knew that Newt's promise was nothing but an astronomical whopper that will never happen with a federal budget deficit over $15 trillion dollars. Gingrich is well known for talking pie-in-the-sky ideas but this moon pie-in-the-sky idea will not fly. January 29, 2012. Space Mountain Observer
|Gingrich Family Says It's All Good! Newt promises to dramatically increase number of blondes in the White House. The talk of the town is that Newt's wife number two (far left in photo) told ABC news that Newt asked for an open marriage and that wife number three (second from left in photo) who was at the time Newt's mistress of six years, was okay with the idea of a hot three-way blonde bomb. Newt suggested it would have been the ideal logistical arrangement since, because of his big love for America, he was spending so much of his time stuck in Washington D.C. pursuing a partisan impeachment trial of President Clinton. Wife number two who was Newt's mistress during his marriage to wife number one (far right in photo) said no at the time but may be reconsidering because even though she also said Newt was not fit to be President and six years of a cheating lying bastard and his gold-digging home-wrecking mistress in your face could make one bitter... winning does work wonders and Newt has forgiven himself so if wife number two can find forgiveness for Newt she may also find a guest bedroom in the White House.
January 21, 2012. Gingrich E-Soap Digest
|Boy, I Say Boy!
Chicken hawk eggs on howls of protests by attacking barnyard dawgs for lack of work ethic.
This Martin Luther King national holiday Newt Gingrich saw fit to attack poor black kids for lacking a work ethic and insulted the only black man asking questions at the FOX South Carolina debate. Gingrich bloviated on and on in a pompous southern style about the necessity of getting an early start on a lifetime of miserable degrading toil and topped off his ignorant inappropriate race-baiting bombast by calling Obama a food stamp President and rejecting Juan Williams suggestion that many folks take offense to that remark. The entire GOP hen house audience erupted in a frenzy of full-feathered cluckin' and booed the questioner into a hangdog whimper. Williams was kept on a tight leash for the remainder of the debate held in the big barn at South Carolina's historic Hangin' Tree Farms.
January 18, 2012. Myrtle Beach Cooter
|Clown Car Comes To South Carolina!
Nobody will quit despite another win for Mitt.
Mitt Romney won the GOP primary in the state of New Hampshire with 39.4% of the vote. Ron Paul was second with 22.8% and Jon Huntsman was third with 16.8%. Newt Gingrich was fourth with 9.4%, Rick Santorum was fifth with 9.3% and Rick Perry sixth with 0.7%. Perry's New Hampshire showing was so doggone poor he was forced to ride in the crate atop Mitt's station wagon at the South Carolina welcome parade. If one of the other clowns can't gain on the frontrunner in South Carolina this circus may, sadly, be folding it's tent early. The 47 other states would also like their chance to see as many of these clowns as possible before the nomination is clinched.
January 11, 2012. South Carolina Circus News
|Paul Calls Out Chicken Hawk!
Angry Paul blasts tough talking politicians who avoided military service!
Of all the candidates only Ron Paul and Rick Perry ever served in the military. Newt Gingrich got a deferment from serving in Viet Nam because of his first wife and two children. Ron Paul was also drafted with a wife and two children but did not shirk his duty to America and served with honor. Paul called it his pet peeve saying people like Gingrich who avoided military service when they had the chance to serve had no right to send young Americans into wars. Ron Paul has received more donations from active duty military personnel than all other candidates combined.
January 7, 2012. New Hampshire Farms Debate
|Bromance Breakup Broke Newt's Heart!|
It's been all downhill since Trump fired Gingrich.
Just 30 days ago Newt Gingrich was leading all national polls and basking in the spotlight with Donald Trump. Then all but two GOP candidates pulled out of Trump's Presidential Apprentice Debate so Trump fired them all including a tearful and dismayed Newt. Since the bromantic breakup the Gingrich campaign has been both disorganized and dispirited. Most heartbreaking of all to Gingrich is knowing his failure to keep Trump on his team cost him millions of dollars in desperately needed campaign cash.
December 31, 2011. Year's Biggest Breakups
|Newt's Got Some Splainin To Do!
Disorganized candidate left off Virginia ballot. Despite Newt Gingrich being the favorite in Virginia where he has lived for the past seven years, his disorganized campaign failed to collect enough signatures to get him on the ballot. It's a major setback and the Gingrich campaign compared it to Pearl Harbor. But Mitt Romney has joke writers on the payroll and within hours Mitt was everywhere saying "Pearl Harbor? More like Lucille Ball in the chocolate factory. You gotta get it organized." Romney is feeling good with millions of dollars in attack ads pulverizing Gingrich in Iowa while a frantic Newt is floundering for lack of campaign cash.
December 28, 2011. Newt's Chocolate Factory
|Frankly, Newt Gingrich Got Fat At Public Trough!
Gingrich says frankly he is fundamentally a historian and categorically denies that a few million dollars could radically alter his progressively conservative ideology which is universally and properly recognized as profoundly and profusely adverb rich and candidly has been demonstrably proven noteworthy repeatedly! An exasperated Gingrich also said frankly the negativity of the largely Republican sponsored campaign activity against him is candidly seedy and unequivocally and diabolically dangerous as well as possibly historically unprecedented. Gingrich was apparently exhausted from frankly an overly ambitious and noncautiously optimistic strategy basically wherein the candidate inexplicably spews adverbs at ratios normally considered to be of legendary proportionality especially considering the characteristically limited time duration of windows of opportunity and frankly the brevity of typically broadcast sound bites aired nationally.
December 21, 2011. Cedar Rapids Thesaurian
|Gingrich Love Story To Air On TV!
Heartwarming story of cross dresser, soul mate who find each other. Newt Gingrich is known as an angry bomb thrower and insult artist but he also has a tender side. When Newt's away on vacation with his soulmate and life partner cruising the Mediterranean Sea in a luxury yacht, Newt becomes cuddly and embraces tenderness. Their vacation to Greece last spring was practically a romance novel.
December 13, 2011. LOGO Romance Theatre
|Newterman Hosts Event For Kids Who Want To Be School Janitors!
Newt crooned "Flock Of Seagulls" hits in the upstairs rumpus room of a large mansion in his wealthy Virginia neighborhood. Attendance was sparse with just three neighborhood mothers and no children who all fled in terror when they saw Newt's heavily armed security detail. Two of the mothers said they would vote for Gingrich and wrote out political contribution checks at the legal maximum but a third said her vote was conditional on the outcome of a custody battle despite also writing out a check for the maximum legal contribution. She said if her ex-husband won and her kids supported the decision then she wanted her kids to clean school toilets otherwise she was going to be be too busy to bother voting. The Gingrich campaign declared the event another successful fundraiser and were certain they were connecting with voters of all ages. Other neighhbors including Mr. and Mrs. Smith, who didn't want to be identified, had complained to the police because the traffic snarl had delayed the delivery of an ice sculpture to their lawn party.
December 13, 2011. Gingrich For The Kids LLC
|SuperPac Ad Fires Back At Dirty Ol' Grandpa Gingrich!
"The only reason Newt Gingrich stopped being a philandering douchebag is because he's so fat he hasn't seen his penis in three years! Three years!" Newt Gingrich started the mud-slinging at the ABC-TV debate when defending his life as a career politician by switching into attack mode. He nastily went after Mitt Romney by saying the only reason Mitt wasn't a career politician was because he lost to Teddy Kennedy and drew boos. Romney responded with a line about the only reason he also wasn't an NFL football star and got laughs but he was steamed at the attack. Later, Gingrich, in a gusher of gall, dismissed his three marraiges and serial adultery as irrelevent when he played the Grandpa Joker card saying "I'm now a 68 year-old grandfather." Implying that alone assured he'd changed for the better and acquired a new sense of morality. Newt can spin like a centrifuge but he's still the same amoral amphibian in his DNA. America's collective psyche could not endure revelations of a Gingrich lemon party in the White House.
December 12, 2011. Grandpa Gingrich Report
|Gingrich Gasbag Up In The Air and Still Rising!
Newt now floating on top of all national polls! Gingrich had a relatively easy breeze when he was trailing badly but with his new frontrunner status the arrows will be flying his way at the next two Republican debates. With his thin skin and flammable nature Newt has to avoid a Hindenburg crash while manuvering through a circle of anti-aircraft archers in slow motion. With the exception of his protege, Eft Santorum, all the other candidates will be firing arrows and trying to pop the gas bag first. This carnival contest has a grand prize of the GOP Presidential nomination so the competition will be fierce from now on. After the Herman Cain train crash it may be time for an air disaster as Newt's big bag ballon could go bust.
December 10, 2011. Gingrich Slo-Mo Air Show
|Newt Gives Trump Star Treatment!
Pair emerge all smiles from private meeting in Trump Hotel suite! At a joint news conference following the meeting Newt Gingrich gushed all over Donald Trump with compliments and hand gestures as Trump beamed his approval. Donald Trump later hinted the road to the White House runs through his hotel suite and Newt was just showing his commitment to the job by making the pilgramage to Donald Trump's realm. Donald Trump will be hosting a GOP Presidential debate on December 27 and called Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman joke candidates for deriding the importance of Donald Trump and refusing to appear in the Donald Trump Presidential Debate or "Presidential Apprentice with Donald Trump" shows as listed in TV Guide. Check your local cable channel listings.
December 6, 2011. Trump Tribute Meeting Hall.
|Poor Children Need To Work In Toilets!
Starting early on a lifetime of miserable toil is vital! Newt Gingrich insists that poor children need to develop the habit of getting up early to clean school toilets that rich kids vandalize on purpose in order to humiliate the poor kids who clean them. Newt feels this will prepare poor kids for their life's work of toilet scrubbing for the rich. Newt says the only children making money today are all criminals and they need toilet work experience to help avoid a lifetime in prison as adults.
December 2, 2011. Gingrinch Christmas Charity.
|Can Even Jesus Accept Marraige Number Four?
If Mitt becomes a Newter for Republican unity, will their marraige engender an Evangelical backlash? Newt Gingrich will need the full support of a newtered Mitt Romney for the general election and Mitt will assume the running mate position in order to get into the White House and be just a heartbeat from the Presidency. "Mittens" knows that succession may be the only way left to get the top job.
November 28, 2011. GOP Mobile Think Tank.
|Newt Says Security Before Liberty!
No need for Bill of Rights! Newt Gingrich has a palace to lounge about and therefore security is the number one priority least heathen mobs of protestors occupy the grounds of his estate. Gingrich has pocketed over $120 million selling access and influence with Congress and has accumulated a vast horde of Gingrich historical memorabilia that a mob with pitchforks might desecrate.
November 25, 2011. Gingrich Palace.
|Newt Made Fortune For Advice From Fortune Cookies!
He ate the cookies too! Newt Gingrich parlayed his former career in the House of Representatives into a fat multi-million dollar fortune. Newt's bank accounts have grown morbidly obese by establishing private conservative think tanks and conservative agenda organizations all across America for fat fees and continuing fat cash payments. As a consultant for fat cats and large corporations, Newt, Inc., is estimated to have brought in a morbidly obese figure of over $120 million since Gingrich left Congress in disgrace. In the history of Congress no one else has cashed in for more cash after leaving and that's why Newt is fat, flush and living in a mega-mansion in Virginia. Newt has been so successful padding his fat wallet he forgot what a disgraced hypocrite he was. His ego has swollen to enormous proportions right along with his fat stacks of cash so his vanity campaign for President was assured. If arrogance was bottled as fragrance Newt's sweat would be the top selling scent of all time.
November 23, 2011. Gingrich Estate Fat Sauna.
|Gingrich Says Slave The Children!
Claims laws against child labor are "truly stupid"! Newt Gingrich says all unionized school janitors should be fired and replaced by child toilet scrubbers and floor waxers. Gingrich would also like to employ cub scouts to carry him around his Virginia estate and megamansion in his favorite Tiffany's sedan chair. Gingrich insists poor kids could be serving his needs today if not for child labor laws keeping kids in school instead of working at below poverty wages. Gingrich left Congress in disgrace for ethics violations but was still able to rake in $20 million selling his access and influence with Congress as a consultant for large corporations.
November 21, 2011. Gingrich Hills Plantation.
|Newt's Secret Sauce!
Gingrich received $2 million from Freddie Mac! Newt Gingrich is the new flavor of the month and actually topped a recent GOP national poll. The campaign meltdowns of Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Herman Cain have left an opening and like the perennial McRib sandwich, Gingrich is back on the menu. Of course, they also take that same sandwich off the menu every year because people get sick of it. Newt is enjoying his moment of glory but it is almost certain to be temporary. Newt has more baggage than an airport terminal and revelations of adultery, hypocrisy, dishonesty, flip-flops, lobbying cash and more will eventually waterlog the Gingrich campaign.
November 16, 2011. GOP CheeseBurger Barn.
|Newt Says Nyet!
Gingrich sees political gain in riling Russians. Former Republican House Speaker Newt Gingrich opposes the START nuclear arms limitation treaty with Russia. The treaty has support from the White House, the Joint Chiefs, the State and Defense Departments, the Allied Commanders of NATO and all former U.S. Secretaries of State. Gingrich earns a living selling books and has never served in the military but has an office near Oliver North at FOX news.
December 18, 2010. Fort Fox Command Center
|Debate Rages On! Slim chance seen for agreement between sides for more or less. Independents have the luxury of not taking a stand except to criticize both sides sides while Independent-registered voters may be a lot like fickle football fans who only root for the winning team and will switch sides at halftime. December 6, 2010 . FEDEX Political Ideology Arena|
| Newt Gingrich May Counter Sarah Palin With His Own TV Show |
Gingrich considering plan to host nature series about the only mammal that can kill and eat a grizzly bear. In nature grizzly bears are not often trapped on chunks of ice at sea but another species of man-eating bear, the polar bear, is often forced to swim miles at sea and is easy prey for Willy the Killer Whale. Newt is considering hosting the show with it's more-than-a-grizzly mascot primarily because Newt is said to be very excited about using the phrase "More Than A Grizzly" as a 2012 primary campaign slogan. Newt's tendency for seasickness means his part in the show will be land-based but with 22 minutes to fill each week Newt feels he can inject enough political trash talk to further his cause. Newt is unconcerned about appearing too ecologically friendly considering the viciousness of killer whales.
October 30, 2010. Atlanta City Aquarium Conference Room
| Newt Says Hammer On Food Stamps!|
Gingrich drops discussion of genealogy and colonial era Africa. Taken to tool shed, Newt comes back with new tools. Gingrich was criticized for speaking about nutty historical nuances but he has honed his message and sanded off some rough spots with medium abrasive sandpaper. In addition to wanting hammer time on the federal food stamp program, Newt found other tools to utilize such as the keyhole saw. He wants to cut out portions of any regulatory laws or entitlements legislation that Newt finds burdensome, unconstitutional or in any way helps anybody who is undeserving of the benefits of a creeping socialist legislative agenda. Gingrich is especially fond of the big wrench to be used for tossing into any further plans for Obama sponsored legislation. Newt did not like, however, a 1970's metric tape measure, "It's in some kind of foreign language."
October 13, 2010. Atlanta Home Depot Tool Warranty Registration Drive
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