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 | TED CRUZ EXCLUSIVE! If everybody else had these stories they wouldn't be exclusive. |
 | TED CRUZ starring in RESURRECTED The day of wakening finally arrives and Rafael Snow can hear the resurrection of his brother Jon occurring in the next room. Rafael briefly comes back to life but his resurrection goes unnoticed and he suddenly dies forever when the Red Woman tumbles off the balcony outside his door. |
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| TED CRUZ starring in ICE COLD DEAD After being mathematically eliminated from a Night's Watch popularity and drinking contest Ted Cruz as Rafael Snow is determined to lay motionless with his brother and fellow bastard on the ice cold ground until their fates are revealed on the coming election day in the Indiana Islands. |
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| IT'S UP TO YOU NEW YORK - CONCERT PRESENTED BY CANADA WHY Conservative crooner Ted Cruz cruises into the Big Apple for a concert date on April 19 and decides to take in the big city sights and sounds. After asking for directions from New Yorkers Cruz ends up on the F U train and stranded somewhere on Long Island. |
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| WASSUP WISCONSIN Wisconsin's favorite regional morning TV talk show WASSUP WISCONSIN goes in-depth in a timely expose of outrageous campaign promises that are really ridiculous pandering fantasies as well some very rotten campaign tactics that have cast a palpable odor across a state that already smells like a 1000 dairy farms. |
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| DIE BONBONPAPIER - THE CANDY WRAPPERS TV Guido doesn't speak German but was told in Italian by an anonymous source that this is a very weird film about a couple of pervy guys who lure underage girls with candy and and then do some creepy things with cellophane and fat pants but it's all dubbed in German so he wasn't sure. |
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| INDECENT PROPOSAL Katrina Hurricane plays a bright and attractive young political science graduate who is hired to work for a Presidential candidate but soon becomes his mistress and cunningly a close confidant of his spouse. When a mysterious billionaire threatens to expose their affair Katrina offers discreet sex to keep him quiet. |
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| THE CUBAN MISTRESS CRISIS This new eagerly anticipated production set off a bidding war as reviews have been mostly raves especially for newcomer actress Katrina Hurricane. Her role as the sexy seductress double agent who bends the highest and mightiest of the political universe to her ever changing whims and desires is irresistible. |
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| THE FORGER A talented politician and secret art forger played by Ted Cruz makes enough illicit money from forgeries of nude masterpieces that he hires five nude models on a permanent basis and they all become his lovers. When a difficult political situation arises he is forced to deny sleeping with the five women in order to save his career. |
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| WIFE WARS The original concept was for a game show where candidates would participate in penis measuring contests as well as MAN SHOW style hi-jinks but as public taste changes rapidly formerly taboo concepts are now acceptable. With the wives involved a whole new category of sexist wife vs. wife comparisons can be expected. |
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| THE SCHLONGING A group of 16 Republican politicians are traveling together when a sudden blizzard forces them to wait out the storm in the same roadside motel. Without his usual luxury accommodations one candidate named Donald Trump gets cabin fever and butchers all but one surviving and terrified politician named Ted Cruz. |
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| TRUSTED - THE WINGNUT WAGER OF WALL STREET When campaigning in his current home state of Texas an eager presidential candidate played by Ted Cruz likes to brag that Texans have balls of brass and the nation's cheapest gas but when he came to woo the wealthy wizards of Wall Street his ballgame was all spit and polish. |
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| THE RAT PACK IS BACK In it's 40th year this cabaret style production changes only because the cast of celebrity impersonators keeps changing. Remaining are an endless stream of tasteless racist jokes and all women are dumb broads. This nostalgia is a nightmare and this supposedly classy era now looks more assy than classy. |
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| BORDER WARS An immigrant father and son immigrant smuggling team specializing at smuggling Cuban baseball players into the United States are apprehended at the border near Tijuana, Mexico. Immigration officials are stunned and disappointed when the pair are released to the Sheldon Adelson Las Vegas luxury limousine shuttle. |
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| HAPPY DAYS IN COUGAR TOWN The Cruz played by Ted Cruz finally decides to leave his mother's house in Calgary, Canada and ride his motorcycle all the way to Cuba to visit his father and grandparents. After a small hurricane and alligator encounter his motorcycle develops engine trouble and The Cruz is stranded in Cougar Town. |
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| MOLSON CANADIAN The year is 1992 and Young Rafael's love for the game of soccer leads him to a life-changing crossroads. A talented defenseman, Ted must make his choice of playing for either the Canada or Cuba or U.S. National soccer team in the World Cup and thinks it over while watching movies with a case of Molson Canadian. |
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| BORN IN CANADA Capitalizing on the publicity of a Presidential election race Rino Records has re-released this Canadian Billboard smash album classic by Ted Cruz. All of his charting Canadian themed hits are included. The album had been briefly pulled from Canadian record stores when Cruz renounced his Canadian citizenship last year. |
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| BRONANZA In the best news this season a reincarnation of the classic series BRONANZA is in production. Ben Cartwright is played by 69 year-old Donald Trump as he manages the Ponderosa terrifically for which he gets lots of credit in the financial press as well as raising his three grown sons from three different women (all deceased). |
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| KOJAK Ted Cruz plays a bitter prematurely bald man who was named after a former television series detective. Now working for the Texas Department of Child Welfare he roams the Texas state fairgrounds confiscating terrified children from intoxicated and well armed open-carrying parents who are not proper card-carrying NRA members. |
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| JIHADI BRIDE A Canadian born transgender conservative Muslim activist marries an unsuspecting Minnesota Muslim thoroughbred farrier and pretends to be pregnant to gain entry to Planned Parenthood in order to offer for sale smuggled Canadian abortion inducing drugs while secretly filming the price negotiations with a hidden camera. |
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| THE KILLING FIELD The long awaited sequel to the 1989 hit movie FIELD OF DREAMS has finally arrived but there is no Kevin Costner or James Earl Jones and the story suffers from their absence. What was a heartfelt baseball story has turned into a brutal slasher/snuff film. Basically they walk into the cornfield and die. Rated R |
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| CRUZLANDER After finishing the prison sentences they received at the end of their first film these preening clueless male models set their sights and selfies on a much larger catwalk to pose from. The duo hilariously spend days discussing wardrobe and rehearsing Presidential poses for photos to be taken in the White House once elected. |
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| GOP SURVIVOR ISLAND 2016 Survivor Island for 2016 Republican candidates is the luxurious Lighthouse Bay Resort where "survival" conditions normally go for $2400 per night. Still after several days on the island paradise all the men begin to bond while Carly Fiorina somehow becomes less appealing with every bitter diatribe she spews. |
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| LOVE BOAT TO FANTASY CUBA In what sounds like a pleasure cruise on the Love Boat quickly deteriorates into a low budget gripe session of supposed 80 year old Cuban born Americans complaining about something from 60 years ago interspersed with nostril hair close-ups and concerned reaction shots by Cruz, Carson and Rubio. |
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| FLAT TAX Keira Knightley stars as a hard working woman who fights for her rights in a hostile work environment after her employer, a breast-obsessed Texas politician played by Ted Cruz, proposes a flat tax that unexpectedly receives overwhelming support from millions of male and female political donors across Texas and nationwide. |
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| PULP FICTION 2 Starring Carly Fiorina, Ted Cruz and Ben Carson. Like the original this film connects intersecting storylines, an unconventional style and frequent use of homage and pastiche. Unlike the original this black comedy lacks comedy and will never make any all-time favorites list. TV Guido wrote "jokes as flat as week-old pizza". |
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| KIM DAVIS - ONE WOMAN TWO MEN - HOW I PUNKED THE POPE As a high school girl in pep squad Kim Davis developed a deep love of pranks and practical jokes. After graduation she continued enjoying a great punking as her first 3 of 4 husbands discovered but her infamous prank on the Pope was her all time magnum opus. |
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| FACE OFF With his face planted firmly between the Donald's butt cheeks Ted Cruz played by Ted Cruz hatches a plan to impersonate the Donald in order to eventually inherit his jumanji and become the party nominee. Trump played by Trump recognizes the insincerity but decides the enjoyment of watching others grovel is worth the risk. |
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| OPERACION ARBUSTO TELESTRELLAVISTA UNIMUNDOVISION presents this Spanish language telenovela soap opera style drama about the secret deals and intrigue involved in American Presidential politics. Episode one involves the secret alliance between Donald Trump and Ted Cruz to kill the Jeb Bush campaign. |
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| THE LION HUNTER The greatest adventure is finding out where one is king in the circle of life. Ted Cruz played by Ted Cruz starts by killing all the large mammals available at Ted Nugent's Texas Lion Country Big Game Safari. Followed by a brief Senate career Ted sets out to win the GOP nomination for U.S. President. |
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| NEOCON KARAOKE WITH ANN COULTER From the producers of FOX AFTER DARK DANCE PARTY which was a huge hit last year this new fun show looks like they might have hit another home run. Ann Coulter either sings or lipsinks (we're not sure) duets with almost every Republican presidential candidate. |
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| RIGHT SAID TED 3 In this third installment of the TED franchise the sarcastic wise-cracking talking bear joins forces with a Texas politician and guides him to a new level of success. The other Ted played by Ted Cruz is poor foreign-born guy named Rafael who can't believe his good luck. Along the way Ted meets his soul bear and in a hilarious scene everybody ends up in bed in a furry romp with Sarah Palin and Donald Trump. Rafael's new travel companion played by Ted Williams head in a jar keeps this comedy edgy and provides a new level of creepiness to Ted Cruz wacko bird character. Based on early screenings it seems certain a sequel will be made. |
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| TED CRUZ AND THE FOXTONES Timed to help promote his upcoming movie TED 3, Canada Why presents an extra added attraction for their 2015 summer concert series. Also the new CD dropped this week and a TV special will happen April 1st on FOX WHITE Cruz croons all the classic conservative standards and right wing favorites with precision back-up vocals from the ubiquitous Foxtones. |
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| SCORCH STREET Your sesame seed buns will get toasted watching this new GOP-TV morning TV show as the "World In Flames" is the theme today and every day in Ted Cruz latest self-promotional propaganda reach around to children and intellectually or emotionally underdeveloped adults. His previous efforts included comic books but as Count DraCruzla his counting games afford him countless opportunities to embed long lists of Republican dogma deep into the preschooler subconscious mind which can later be exploited when the totality of the phenomenon of cognitive dissonance is exploitable for maximum political effect. New Top Ten lists are counted out in rhyme to a throbbing bass and drum beat. Week one is a hip hop acid heavy countdown of the Top Ten ways Obamacare will make your stuffed animals ignite in flames. |
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| WHO IS MORE CUBAN THAN MARK CUBAN? As soon as the President shocked the world by announcing a change in relations with Cuba the battle was on at FOX NEWS for who would criticize Obama about Cuba on air twice every day with righteous sanctimony because having any fraction of Cuban blood entitles one to read a FOX written GOP talking point with absolute authority. Mark Cuban of SHARK TANK was ready to tank this low rated basic cable show but now it's ratings have zoomed with all the talk about Cuba and who is more Cuban than Mark Cuban who may or may not be Cuban. |
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| SHARK JUMP Join host Ted Cruz in this brand new TV show from the producers of SHARK TANK where each week Ted Cruz sets out to prove flagrant zombie lies and crackpot theories. In this reverse negative spin of MYTHBUSTERS the wealthy sociopaths also seen on SHARK TANK appear each week to shoot down the host's crazy ideas as he persists in using Princeton debate team tactics in pushing nonsense considered insane by experts such as shutting down the government, defaulting on the national debt and allowing the Canadian born son of an illegal alien from Cuba to run for U.S. President. Fridays at 8:00 on the FOX White Channel. |
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| CRUZ AND BOOTS In this first rate historical drama General Robert E. Lee had already commissioned an experienced tailor from Kentucky Mitch "The Stitch" McConnell as leader of the design committee when Thadeus Cruz a well known flamboyant gentlemen from Texas demanded modifications to the design and boot selection. He roared he would shut down production of uniforms delaying the start of the war unless his demands primarily for shiny new boots became the official uniform of the Confederate leadership. After Robert E. Lee played by Mandy Patinkin intervenes Thadeus Cruz drops his demand for embroidered trim and settles for just the boots. When the war finally begins Cruz slips off after an embarrassing incidence of torn trousers and flees to Cuba for the duration of the Civil War birthing the popular phrase "boot-scootin". |
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| THE TEXAS VIRUS Ripped from the headlines at record speed this movie of the week on Texas BBS "We got the sauce" stations is a suspense packed drama. It starts at a private GOP fundraiser held at the Alamo in San Antonio with some suspicious gulf shrimp dip. At first people felt euphoric and wrote checks for large donations but then when they started spitting flames like butane lighters the Texas Haz-mat Volunteer All Stars were called. Within 5-7 days they responded but by then it was too late. |
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| THE SHITTING Originally filmed as a remake of the movie classic THE SHINING this film had test audiences literally crapping their pants in fear. An incredible 90% voted this version was "FAR MORE" frightening than Stanley Kubrick's 1980 masterpiece. With those kind of numbers producers felt this film deserved it's own title because obviously this film is just too scary to be a sequel to any previous horror. The tension is so taut it's like watching on a high wire with a noose around your neck. And have no doubt these two actors were born to play these roles. Come Oscar time Academy voters may be too frightened to vote for anyone else. |
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| SPAWN OF SHARKTOPUS Ted Cruz and family have just settled into a family vacation and are creating sand sculptures on popular Galveston Island off the Texas coast when a swarm of baby sharktopi overrun the beach and eat nearly everyone except Ted and Heidi Cruz. Luckily Ted survives because he is buried in his sand sculpture and Heidi because the film needs her indispensable reaction shots to the bloody Sharktopi feeding frenzy. Cruz capitalizes politically on the incident by raising funds for his Presidential ambitions but becomes drunk on bravado by recklessly taking up water skiing through the warm waters near a nuclear power plant where the Sharktopi are known to feed on the offspring of Crocosaurus. |
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| THEY CALL HIM FANGDANGO Vampires everywhere have been distraught with their favorite series TRUE BLOOD ending soon but relief in the form of fresh blood has come from producers who refuse to let the compelling political side of the story die a true death. The scene will shift from Louisiana to a location near Dallas after Texas passed new tax incentives to bring bloodsuckers and their new movie productions to Texas. The cast will be all new but Ted Cruz has a contract that requires his character to be in every scene or basically the sole undisputed star of the new show so nobody's gonna take the star off his shiny shine. And just like his character that's why they call him Fangdango. |
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| ADVENTURES OF TURBO CRUZ is a new show to debut on the new FOX BROWN CHANNEL for Latinos. Rupert Murdoch knows Latinos are more interested in chihuahua dog stories than anything on earth and that Latinos also think Cuban-Canadian-American Ted Cruz is the most important Latino in America. Bingo! It didn't take long for the new FOX BROWN executives in their first decision to order up a season full of episodes filmed in Mexico and dubbed in English with a Spanglish accent. Taco Cartel immediately signed on as a signature sponsor and their ads will appear in all promotions and product placements will become one of the running gags on this muy loco and muy funny new comedy show that features a spunky talking two-legged chihuahua who gets around with toy wheels from a Fisher-Price helicopter. |
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| WELCOME TO CANUBA After a Supreme Court decision Ted Cruz learns he is ineligible to run for President of the United States. In a violent scene of disgust and anger he renounces his U.S. citizenship and buys an entire island and carnauba palm plantation southwest of the Bahamas and declares it a sovereign nation called Canuba. Cruz leaves America forever and renames himself Generalissimo El Rey Canuba. After building a row of luxury condominiums Canuba deceives dozens of Canadian and Cuban beauty pageant contestants to come to the island. Using his charismatic personality he soon has a devoted cult of followers who stay with Canuba year round. As time passes his Epiphany embrace of Brazilian wax turns into a ritual his most intimate followers all participate in eagerly. This movie's natural and female scenery is so luxurious and sensuous in every shot that even with the delusional Canuba's demented discourse he is delightful as a man who has found his own paradise on earth. |
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| FRIED GREEN CHILES - the story of Rafael Cruz de Cuba is a new mini-series movie based on the life and lies of the father of Canadian citizen and Texas Senator Ted Cruz. In the premiere episode "Bat Chit Crazy" Rafael works for visiting band leader Desi Arnaz and gets groped by Lucy while hauling bags to her cabana. From that day on a young Rafael vows to impregnate as many American redheads as possible until the civil war begins and he switches to murdering fellow Cubans for Fidel Castro in the name of Communism. New music from Pit Bull and Yasiel Puig. |
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| CHEERS 2 - CHEERING FOR OBAMACARE TO FAIL is a new drama series set to air on the FOX WHITE CHANNEL. After multiple crushing life events Ted played by Ted Cruz gets the old high school pep squad back together and creates some new cheers rooting for the collapse of America's healthcare system and for the painful death of everyone who ever wronged him in his unhappy life. Ruthie has also become similarly bitter and vindictive and after a third divorce bankrolls the project and buys snappy new uniforms and pom poms for the squad all with the intention of enlisting Ted for a secret and even more sinister plan. |
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| NRA's LEAD CHEF visits Iowa this week as Senator Ted Cruz and Iowa Representative Steve King kill some caged pheasant with shotguns and then wait while Shoot N' Fry fry cooks deep fry their bagged birds. Meanwhile their hungry tea party entourage applauds every shotgun blast as well as round after round of Ted Cruz buckshot insults at other Republicans, non-hunting liberals and of course Obamacare. Cruz is on a celebration tour claiming victory after instigating the federal government shutdown that wasted billions of dollars and accomplished nothing. |
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| TEA PARTY HOMECOMING starring Ted Cruz and Sarah Palin has received rave reviews but possibly for the wrong reasons. This is no political movie but rather an complicated emotional gut-twister and pitches as "Carrie Meets Fatal Attraction". Sarah Palin's body double is worth the price of admission and negates any subconscious objections to the eerie way Palin delivers her unique-as-a-unicorn dialog. |
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| ALL IS LOST starring Ted Cruz is now playing primarily on MSM-TV but has been made available to all non neo-facist television networks around the country. A totally false narrative promoted by an intimidating Ted Cruz led his cult followers to expectations far beyond reason or even sanity and so it felt like the sky had fallen when reality dashed all hopes of victory and nearly dented the Texas Senator's monumental self love. |
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| MOBY JAWS - A BIG FISH STORY is the movie about some oversize claims that two fishermen made up and then told far and wide from port to port and sea to sea until fear overtook many fearful fishermen and their frightened families but in fact the stories where just big fish stories and calm eventually reclaimed the country. |
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| TED CRUZ has made quite a mess in Washington D.C with his debut season of THE WRECKING BALL. The FOX WHITE CHANNEL mini-series highlights the destruction Cruz has done with his heavy metal onslaught. Tea Party types have been screaming for Cruz to shut the government down but the least popular Senator in the Capitol has decided to go one step farther and demolish the historic buildings as well. |
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| CRUZ MIZZLE and THE DEFUNDERS debut their new hip hop album THE FILIBUZZTER on the FOX WHITE MUSIC CHANNEL this week. Cruz lays down some impressive funky white face palm style hip hop on the smash hit and number one smashnado hate radio single "Baby Gonna Repeal Obamacare All Night Long". |
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| THE SOUNDS OF ANARCHY is and brutal motorcycle musical breakdown of the Ted Cruz's personal political anarchy minded gang of Defunder Demons. Armed with a throbbing pulsating mind numbing tidal wave of gasoline powered noise Cruz assaults all senses with a bone chilling recitation of seditious and anarchist tirades proselytizing a combination of vigilantism and a defiance of authority bordering on outright treason. Weeknights at 9:00 only on the FOX WHITE CHANNEL. |
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| THE DEFUNDERS - MY WAY OR THE DRY WAY debuts this fall on the FOX WHITE CHANNEL. Ted Cruz, Mike Lee and Mario Rubio have drained the pool of reasonable negotiations with an attempt to defund Obamacare and assume Presidential veto powers never before given House Representatives and clearly unconstitutional. It's been called a suicide mission and could potentially create such negative backlash with the American public that the Republicans could actually lose a gerrymandered House in a non-presidential election. Senators Cruz, Rubio and Lee have determined they personally have nothing to lose and can only gain name recognition as they aren't up for re-election next year if the American economy suffers badly from their anti-American sedition and belligerence. |
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| SOUR NIXON - THE TED CRUZ STORY debuts this fall. Ted Cruz was crushed when he received just one vote in his first attempt for student government office in college. He began emulating his idol Richard Nixon and compiling an enemies list and insisted his revenge would be to win public office one day. Today his enemies list is computerized with daily ranking updates based on current conservative political trends. |
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| A` PLUS TARD (see you later) JESUS MURPHY! THIS HOSER'S HAD THE BISQUIT is a Canadian-made film about an ungrateful Canuck born bastard of a bombastic Cuban bully and a light skinned Cuban mother with fraudulent U.S. citizenship papers. The Canadian government provided free health care and the undocumented couple named the baby Ice Cuban. Exploiting his fraudulent dual citizenship Ice Cuban infiltrates government and amasses power until his secret is exposed and he renounces his Canadian citizenship in order to stifle a demand for unpaid taxes. The RCMP then takes ballin' action on their own. |
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| In a death spiral of unintended consequences a trio of inexperienced federal legislators engineer a government shutdown that leads to a cacophony of militant militia homegrown terrorist attacks and a paralyzed government response. After each suffers casualties in their own families the trio decides that they must help save the same government they helped to destroy. |
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| Texans were surprised to wake up and find their land of freedom had been turned into a laboratory breeding ground of repressive government intrusion into citizen's personal lives. The in depth story of how the Texas Taliban accumulated power, suppressed opposition and rose to political dominance over an inattentive Texas electorate. Was Obama behind a successful conspiracy to make Texans look foolish? |
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| Cruz Namesake Was Sadistic Killer! Executed by firing squad in 1833. The Canadian born Cuban Senator from Texas has an evil soul in the family tree. The deep dark secret was recently rediscovered by a researcher at the Texas information website TexiPedia.org. July 7, 2013. Texipedia.org |
| Ruffled Feathers Leads To Hilarious New Series! McCain and Cruz will make you laugh! It's not like they ruin America in the new series as producers want to keep it funny and besides that's their regular day job. May 24, 2013. PreCog TV Preview |
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| Harry Reid Calls Out Schoolyard Bully! Ted Cruz tries to takeover Senate locker room. The very junior Senator from Texas has been in town only a few months but has pissed off everybody with his in-your-face insults, taunting, mocking and aggressive bullying behavior like banging heads into lockers. A schoolyard rumble may turn into a full scale prison yard riot and backstabbing if this foreign-born Texas carpetbagger isn't sent to detention soon. May 11, 2013. Western Daily News |
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| Ted Cruz Ignites Backlash! His finger pointing style and Texas-size ego have created many enemies. However, bullying arrogant aaaholes often find bullseye targets of revenge painted on their backs especially in Washington D.C.. April 23, 2013. Washington NewsFux.com |
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| Devil In Disguise Gets Feinstein All Shook Up. Cruz wants gun laws Returned To Sender! Texas Senator Elvis "Ted" Cruz said Americans have a Burning Love for their guns and Suspicious Minds about new gun laws from a Hard Headed Woman and called her attempt Too Much. Senator Feinstein said while it may not be Now Or Never she said it was time for a Little Less Conversation and a lot more action adding I Feel So Bad and the victims are Always On My Mind. March 23, 2013. Graceland News |
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Obama led wire to wire and was still moving like a winner down the stretch! November 6, 2012