|HERMAN CAIN EXCLUSIVE! If everybody else had these stories they wouldn't be exclusive.|
|Cain Train Derails After Mounting Sexy Boxcar
Herman's nasty baggage spills into public view! The Cain Train is now totaled and completely off the rails. Cain's latest clusterfuck is the revelation of a 13-year adulterous extramarital sexual affair with an Atlanta businesswoman. Cain has denied he ever rode that booty train and says they were just friends.
November 29, 2011. Atlanta Railroad Central.
|Mr. T-Party No More
Herman Cain's former fans now pity the fool. Herman Cain's popularity has plummeted like a Chilean coal miner since his countless boneheaded politic gaffes, goofs and missteps have dominated late night comedy for weeks. Four women are still accusing Cain of sleazeball behavior and he has done nothing to clear up the issue or mollify the heebie jeebies of Tea Party prudes and evangelicals. Cain's popularity with women is a long gone mole burrowed deep into the earth except with white women married to convicted felons in prison. Cain continues to be a serial denier about the many sexual harassment allegations and now with recent denials that his campaign is sagging like an overloaded fanny pack.
November 22, 2011. Mister T Party Magazine
|Cain Jobs Plan Comes Up Short!
Despite his thick resume Cain's jobs package is lacking and may be unpopular with women! Herman Cain has been providing employment opportunities for attractive young women his entire life. However, the Cain jobs strategy does not provide any assistance for really ugly women. A fourth female accuser of Cain has come forward with attorney and political grim reaper, Gloria Allred, to explain the Cain jobs plan. After a night of expense account dining and alcohol plying a former female restaurant industry associate, Cain put his hand up the skirt of job seeker Sharon Bialek and pushed her head down on his bulging package saying "You want a job, right?" Miss Bialek rejected Cain's "suck or you're outta luck" offer and later got no help in finding employment. Prostitutes everywhere know what Herman meant when he previously said "If you're broke... look into the mirror".
November 8, 2011. Gloria Allred Thunderdome
|Cain Campaign Kept In Dark!
Herman Cain did not reveal he was a Playya! When Herman Cain was the head of the National Restaurant Association from 1996 to 1999 he rarely missed an important restaurant business event like the annual Miss Hooters bikini contest. Cain may have been a judge at more than one event but didn't mention it to his campaign manger who has resumed a bad smoking habit from the stress of this unexpected sex scandal. Old pros from the sleazy side of politics know sex scandals always last longer than anyone can stand and this sex scandal is not even close to over despite Cain's refusal to answer questions. A black cloud of doom and cigarette smoke is hovering over the Cain campaign.
November 7, 2011. CSI Herman Cain Report.
|Big As Wienergate!
UK betting on Cain sexual harassment scandal! Current odds are 2-1 that more than three claims were filed and 5-1 the total number of women will stay at three. If the settlement cash payouts total stay under $100,000 that bet will pay 2-1. Over $100,000 cash payouts pays 6-1.
November 3, 2011. Harrah's London Sports Book.
|Cain's Restaurant Job Had Perks!
Herman Cain says sexual harassment wasn't even necessary! Cain has a huge problem. When he was the head of the National Restaurant Association between 1996 and 1999 two women employees filed sexual harassment claims against Cain and were paid five figure cash settlements to keep quiet forever. The Cain campaign hopes this sex scandal doesn't play out like Tiger Woods who eventually had more than 19 women come forward with public allegations. Sexual scandals often continue to grow and grow and never seem to go away. Herman Cain couldn't have made things more difficult for himself and this is a fine mess he's gotten into. If the details keep getting juicier the Cain train may have jumped the track heading to the GOP nomination. His handling of the situation has been a disastrous string of conflicting explanations.
November 1, 2011. Cain Resume Photo Album.
| Flavor Of The Week Offer Extended!
Herman Cain's new internet ad smoking hot! He said he wouldn't be a flavor of the week and so it is. Going into his third week as a top tier candidate Cain's internet ads have used a recurring smoking theme to create buzz.
October 30, 2011. Cain Advertising Agency.
| Chilean Model Taken Hostage?
Cain offers to trade 999 illegal immigrants, close Yuma detention facility. Herman Cain promised to never deal with terrorists but in this hypothetical case Cain simplified matters by renaming the terrorists "talent coordinators" and taking the deal.
October 17, 2011. Cain Policy Gamers Derby.
|Cain Reveals Plan For U.S. Military!
Simplify everything and no more gays! Herman Cain has come up with his strategy for America's armed forces and it has already been proven popular with millions of teenage military strategists. Cain's "999" tax plan was based on a popular video game "Sim City 4" so Herman again went to a local shopping mall to determine how to best command the entire United States Armed Forces and which enemies to kill. Simplicity is the key to every policy for Herman Cain because simple minds deserve simple answers and GOP Tea Party folks hate any policy their kids can't understand.
October 17, 2011. Cain Policy Toy Store.
|Herminator's 9 Slice Nein Nein Nein Pizza Deal! Now with mini Nazi mushrooms! Herman Cain has come up with a winning slogan that has caught fire with the public. His Nein Nein Nein tax plan is more popular than other identical or vastly superior tax plans with less catchy names. In his career of selling cardboard-tasting pizza and cheap plastic shoes from China, Herman Cain has shown an ability to put minimum-wage folks to work selling cardboard-tasting pizza and cheap plastic shoes and then raking the profits off the top as a wealthy overpaid corporate CEO.
October 13, 2011. Cain-Nicht International.
Herman Cain's game is confidence, but is it a confidence game? The always confidant Cain made big gains and pulled into the top tier in recent polls. Can he continue to convince Conservatives, charm Evangelical Christians and reunify Republicans? GOP tea drinkers are tossing their tea leaves into wishing wells hoping that Cain is not just talking a strong dose but actually has the liberal pain killing medicine they've been craving...Obamacaine. Cain's support is weak as a wicker basket in the African-American community. Cain says it's Democrat "brainwashing, pure and simple".
October 8, 2011. Cain Brainwashin' Dome.
|Cain: Blacks Insane In The Membrane!
Herman Cain says black community brainwashed. Cain seems close-minded about blacks not being open-minded about considering the right wing conservative point of view that uses any dirty or diabolical trick including hypnosis to suppress the minority vote. But to Cain, it's just "brainwashing, pure and simple". Cain's 999 economic plan is sloganeering pizza talk. The GOP's corporate masters created and perpetuate the stiffling economic injustice rampant in America today and Cain is a corporate con man.
September 28, 2011. Cain Brainwashin' Party.
|Cain Able To Lead Brother To Death!
Cain slays fundraising ability of frontrunner Rick Perry. GOP Tea Party fratricide continues. Florida GOP Tea Party activists gave Herman Cain a huge victory in the Florida GOP straw vote. He bludgeoned heavily favored Republican brother Rick Perry by a 2 to 1 margin. Cain finished with 37%, Perry 15%, Mitt Romney 14%, Rick Santorum 11% and Ron Paul 11%. At only 4%, former Tea Party darling Michele Bachmann has been tossed under the gunpowder wagon. Herman Cain was able to upset Perry with a superior debate performance, non-stop meet and greet events, and a rousing speech one hour before the voting began. Perry did not attend or make a speech given a mutinous crowd and Herman Cain's oratory talent. These are the same folks who booed a gay soldier on duty in Iraq and cheered for letting an indigent accident victim die. Perry's best bet was to just fold his weak hand in a rigged game that backfired and ride on outta town, which he did.
September 26, 2011. Florida Pekoe Tea Party.
|The Bottom Three!
It's not easy to get free media attention. They give speeches and vie in conservative straw polls but the manistream media takes little notice. Former pizza mogul Herman Cain won a Tea Party straw poll in Phoenix by feeding a ravenously hungry crowd free pizza with rhetorical red meat toppings. Former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson has shown previous straw poll support due to his call for marijuana legalization but many of his people feared driving in Arizona. FOX sychophant, John Bolton, opines for preemptive nuclear attack on Iranian nuclear facilities to prevent a nuclear threat but that doesn't poll well in Arizona where the Mexican drug cartels are the enemy of choice.
March 2, 2011. After Party BBQ.
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