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| Santorum Rallies Slobs Against Snobs! Says large families of high school dropouts insulted by thought that college would have been helpful. Santorum is playing the fat family card, the redneck white trash card, the blue collar envy card, and the indignant Catholic card in a bizarre rule-breaking strategy to beat Michigan born Mitt Romney in Michigan. The Santorum campaign is almost fearless as they soar over the top with outrageous crazy talk and underdog tactics trying to not only win Michigan but bleed the once flush Romney campaign treasury dry. February 28, 2012. Sal's Hot Tub Blog |
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| Commander n' Chef! Romney has been ordering chefs around ever since he dodged the Vietnam War to live in Paris with a chef and personal servant. Romney spent 30 months during the Vietnam war bicycling around France enjoying croissants and sleeping in a palatial Mormon-owned mansion in Paris with stained glass windows, chandeliers, an extensive art collection, a chef and a personal servant. It is unknown how many Mormons Mitt made but Mitt can now order fine food in perfect French while professing his great patriotism and love of the same American military he fled to France from in order to avoid military service. February 24, 2012. Le French Gourmet Gazetteer |
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Race Moves To Tea Party Paradise! A police state so nice Sarah Palin bought a
hacienda. The GOP debate comes to Arizona where Latino prisoners wear pink and are called Mexicans even if they're native born Americans. Arizona politics are as simple as brown and white and simple sells tea here in Arizona. February 23, 2012. Assault Rifle Magazine |
| Tea Party Moses Sent Women Back! Dissenters accused real Moses of phony theology
The tea-drinking al-Santorum sect thought Moses coddled women by not demanding absolute obedience 100% of the time. Tea Party Moses, as he was known, had heated confrontations for months in the desert wilderness with the real Moses until he finally led a small sect away and back in the direction of the Pharaoh. The women in the dissident sect tried their best to obey and please the al-Santorum men but in the scorching heat of the Egyptian sun it was impossible. When the group finally reached the Red Sea, Tea Party Moses sold the women into slavery and they were returned to the Pharaoh. The group then moved on and established an all-male community that eventually disappeared due to the lack of progeny. February 22, 2012. Bible Believe-it-or-Not |
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Over 50% Approval Obama Feels Good! Whoa-oa-oa! He knew that he would, now. He
feels good! He knew that he would, now. So good, so good, he's got you. The economy continues to improve and that makes Obama feel nice! Like sugar and spice. Whoa-oa-oa! He feels nice, like sugar and spice. So nice, so nice, he's got you. As the hardest working man in Washington the President listens to the people and delivers what the majority of the people want to hear. Republicans have proven tone deaf and cater to a short list of big cash contributors who may hear their selected tunes played in heavy rotation by GOP spinners but the majority of Americans prefer the Obama playlist. February 21, 2012. Dance N' D.C. News |
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Paul Positioned Well For 2016! He'll only be 80 years old. The Ron Paul revolution may seem like it's in slow motion but to seniors four years goes by faster than a weekend in jail for young voters. Ron Paul has the youngest supporters of any Republican candidate and all of the others have a serious problem with voters under 30 years of age. President Obama may win that age group by as much as forty percentage points. But President Obama won't be running in 2016 which leaves the door open for Ron Paul to make a fourth run at the White House. February 20, 2012. Sun City Senior News |
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Sarah Palin Says "I'm Not Finished!" Says she has a fire in her belly and is ready to go. Palin predicted a brokered convention and said she would be willing to help out Republicans by accepting their Presidential nomination without participating in a single primary or caucus. "It won't be the voters who decide the Republican nominee." Sarah said seriously. Palin is living proof that backroom deals and brokered arrangements mean more to the Republican power establishment than any election. Sarah Palin truly believes she can ignore all of the states and all of their voters and still become the GOP nominee. February 19, 2012. Arizona Moose Times |
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Boston, We've Got A Problem! Federal Fashion Marshall issues hairdo disaster warning in Massachusetts The FFM issued the Orchid Alert after numerous complaints. The issue of Elizabeth Warren's unpopular hairdo crossed the threshold of inequality and unfairness when photos revealed that even Scott Brown looks better than she does in her signature hair do. Petitions with signatures from hair stylists all across Massachusetts volunteering their services have been delivered to the Warren campaign headquarters. February 18, 2012. Federal Fashion Register |
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Biggest U.S Story Happening In U.K. Godfather of American conservative media in serious hot water. Rupert Murdoch's employees continue to be arrested for corruption and phone hacking in an investigation that grows bigger every day. If the scandal crosses the pond, FOX NEWS may dilute it's anti-Obama, anti-government message. Murdoch's personal survival will require he snuggle up close to the status quo and the bigger the danger to Murdoch personally the more FOX NEWS will sound like it's turning Democrat on some issues. February 16, 2012. World Illuminati Report |
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Santorum On Contraception! Santorum says it's employer's right to deny coverage
for birth control. Santorum says interrogation by the employer about a woman's sexual activity when contraceptives are requested through employee health insurance plans is a good first step but he would prefer criminalization of all contraception and forced indoctrination about eternal damnation and how God will send women to hell and their flesh will fry for eternity if they get pregnant outside a marriage sanctified by God. Santorum supports a Constitutional Amendment outlawing abortion, gay marraige, contraception, Bible burning and criticism of Ronald Reagan. February 15, 2012. My Santorum News |
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Morning-After Kill GOP makes pill murder! A GOP super-majority in the Virginia House passed a law making the rights of people apply from the moment sperm and egg unite. Under the new law a high school student could be shot dead by an undercover police officer for trying to ingest a morning-after pill because the dead girl would be in the act of committing murder and the officer prevented that murder from happening. February 14, 2011. God Loves Virginia News |
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You Can't Make This Stuff Up! Look-alike protests "I had nothing to do with this!
Who knew? Republicans have rallied around a candidate that sells nostalgia for an America that never existed. An imaginary perfect place where Rick's grandfather lived in prosperity except for a great depression and peace except for a World War and racial harmony except for the reality of hatred. But never mind facts or truth or history or reality. Santorum doesn't even believe in science, evolution, climate change or public schools. February 10, 2012. My Santorum News |
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Gingrich Finds Support In Ohio! Newt relative Sally Mander hosts fundraiser at Dave's Downtown Dive Inn bar. The news was bad for Gingrich after being humiliated like a spanked stepchild in the last four GOP primaries. And then Newt's kin came to town and she ain't pretty but she turned out to be just what Newt needed to get his mojo back. Soon after the fourth round of drinks Newt was spewing adverbs and rhetorical nonsense like nobody else can. A rowdy Sally Mander then busted open a new box of straws and held a straw vote which Newt won easily. Newt then gave a hilarious acceptance speech which was followed by raucous karaoke until 1:30 AM. February 9, 2012. Columbus After Dark |
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Triple Penetration! Santorum makes swiss cheese out of Mitt Romney's nationwide campaign strategy. In a shocking turn of events Rick Santorum won all three states up for grabs on Tuesday. Romney and Gingrich had been in such a frothy lather attacking each other they didn't see Santorum sneaking up behind them. Santorum made a smart move pulling out early in Florida and now his enlarged win column includes Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado. The quick thinking Santorum aide who found a giant foam hand with three fingers up just yesterday said he also found a five finger foam fister for use on Super Tuesday in early March. February 8, 2012. My Santorum News |
| Ron Paul Takes The High Road! The cause of liberty and personal freedom towers above the ego-fueled politics of destruction. Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich are all about Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich. They bend the ideas and values written into the Constitution anyway the wind is blowing so long as it's good for their campaigns of raw ambition and greed. Ron Paul may not win the Republican nomination but he will emerge from the contest with his integrity and he will still be promoting liberty, freedom and adherence to the Constitution. Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich will continue to say absolutely anything including lie after lie after lie in order to promote their personal grandiose ambitions but no matter who wins they are already coated with an indelible layer of slime. Participation in this year's Republican primaries has been far less than in 2008 reflecting voter revulsion at the two sleazeball frontrunners. February 6, 2012. Rocky Mountain High Times |
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Emergency GOP Strategy Session! Unemployment lowest since Obama took office! Republican leaders held an emergency strategy session but were unable to develop any new strategy. The current GOP strategy is simple; Congressional obstructionism to everything President Obama proposes, spread the message of pessimism and doom, discourage businesses from hiring or investing by creating artificial crisis after crisis and hoping that the slowly recovering economy tailspins into the toilet just in time for the 2012 presidential election. The possibility of a rapidly improving economy on election day has the stoogefest of GOP Congressional leaders plotting to increase their ongoing sabotage of the U.S. economy in order to gain more political power. February 3, 2011. Congressional Stooge News |
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Romney Offers Hope For Gamblers You only need one Megabucks jackpot per year to join his tax bracket and lower your tax rate. Mitt Romney feels the pain of compulsive entrepreneurs and risk takers who never stop striving to game the system. He realizes what motivates them is the winner-take-all way the federal tax system works for the very big fish and that includes Bain style operators and Megabucks jackpot winners. Romney's federal tax rate for 2010 was 13.9% or less than the tax rate paid by dishwashers in the casino's four star restaurant. Romney banked an after tax take-home profit of $57,000.00 per day in 2010. Romney delivered his message is in the gambling mecca of Nevada. February 2, 2012. Federal Tax Dodgest |
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Mitt Or Myth? Romney Super PACs don't need no stinking policies! Romney is the only candidate to have created thousands of jobs for Mexicans by closing U.S. factories and relocating the machinery to Mexico. American workers left unemployed were just collateral damage to Romney and Bain Capital but they won't be mentioned in Romney's Spanish language ads targeted at Latino voters. The ads lack any policy reasons for Latinos to vote for Romney but the millionaires running Mitt's campaign aren't worried about Latino policies because they're certain that if they run enough ads they can convince any targeted group of people to vote against their own self-interest thereby making policies irrelevant. February 1, 2012. Mitt's Makeover Monthly |
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Gingrich Promises Moon Colony! $2 trillion dollar spending spree for space program. Newt Gingrich was in full blown grandiose conceptual ecstasy and got carried away pandering to a Florida Space Coast audience about the future of space exploration under a Gingrich administration. Newt's promise was nothing less than an astronomical whopper that will never happen with a federal budget deficit over $15 trillion dollars. Gingrich is well known for a seemingly unending supply of pie-in-the-sky ideas but this moon pie-in-the-sky idea will not fly. January 29, 2012. Space Mountain Observer |
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Wolf Bites Back! Gingrich bitten trying to unleash the hounds on CNN debate moderator. Newt's supporters love it when Newt turns into a bully and attacks the news media in almost every debate. The more personal and vicious the attacks the more his fans like it. Last week Gingrich won in South Carolina after attacking CNN debate moderator John King and inciting a near mob frenzy but this week Wolf Blitzer wasn't going to step into Newt's wolf trap. Blitzer shoved Newt's mob-goading wolf cry of "nonsense question" back into Gingrich's face with a tiny lip-twitching snarl and glaring look of revenge. January 27, 2012. Florida Mountain Press |
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2012 State Of The Union Address! President says it's just common sense to support 99% of all Americans! Billionaires don't need tax rates lower than their employees. They have trust funds, hedge funds, stocks, bonds, overseas investments, mineral rights, royalties, luxury homes and luxury cars. 99% of the people get a better deal when the 1% pays the same percentage as everybody else. Tired old Republican excuses for corporate welfare and unfair tax subsidies for billionaires have never sounded more like dishonest crap. 99% of Americans clearly know what is unfair and wrong. January 24, 2012. Obama SOTU Yearly |
| Gingrich Family Says It's All Good! Newt promises to dramatically increase
number of blondes in the White House. The talk of the town is that Newt's wife number two (far left in
photo) told ABC news that Newt asked for an open marriage and that wife number three (second from left in photo) who was at the time Newt's mistress of six
years, was okay with the idea of a hot three-way blonde bomb. Newt suggested it would have been the ideal logistical arrangement since, because of his big love
for America, he was spending so much of his time stuck in Washington D.C. pursuing a partisan impeachment trial of President Clinton. Wife number two who was
Newt's mistress during his marriage to wife number one (far right in photo) said no at the time but may be reconsidering because even though she also said Newt
was not fit to be President and six years of a cheating lying bastard and his gold-digging home-wrecking mistress in your face could make one bitter... winning
does work wonders and Newt has forgiven himself so if wife number two can find forgiveness for Newt she may also find a guest bedroom in the White House. January 21, 2012. Gingrich E-Soap Digest |
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Romney Plan For Underwater Florida Homeowners: Eat More Fish! None of the
Republican candidates have a housing plan. Economists say the solution to the housing crisis
is reemploying the more than six million people who lost their jobs in the recession. People need jobs to buy houses and make mortgage payments and that will not
change because of political rhetoric. Once the demand surpasses the supply home values will begin to rise again. If underwater homeowners live long enough and
keep making their payments most will eventually recover their lost equity. January 21, 2012. Florida Homes & Seafood |
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It's Not His Job To Correct Old Ladies! Santorum says he's not obligated to go around correcting old ladies that think he's in heat like an alley cat and so sexually tormented that he's deliriously lusting for a manly war with Iran. Some mothers of gays and lesbians are certain that his homophobia and repressed sexual urges have built up such an unnatural rage inside him that Rick, who never served in the military, is now the most warmongering chicken hawk in the GOP race. Santorum promised to slaughter thousands in a war to prevent Iran from developing the ability to build a nuclear bomb. January 20, 2012. San Francisco Daily Digestor |
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Boy, I Say Boy! Chicken hawk eggs on howls of protest by insulting barnyard dog. On the Martin Luther King national holiday Newt Gingrich saw fit to berate black kids for lacking a work ethic and insulted the only black man asking questions at the FOX South Carolina debate. Gingrich pontificated on in a patronizing pompous Southern style about poor kids getting an early start on a lifetime of miserable degrading toil and topped off his race-baiting bombast by calling President Obama a food stamp President and rejecting Juan Williams suggestion that many folks took offense to the remark. The GOP hen house audience erupted in a frenzy of full-feathered cluckin' and booed the questioner into a hangdog whimper and he stayed on a tight leash thereafter. January 18, 2012. Myrtle Beach Cooter |
| Evangelicals Anoint Santorum! Conservative Evangelical Christian leaders gathered in the Texas wilderness to select the one true Republican savior and settled for Rick Santorum. Evangelical leaders meeting over the weekend have circled their prayer wagons around Rick Santorum who surprisingly received an overwhelming majority after only two ballots. Rick Santorum is now the official right-wing church sanctioned anti-Romney Republican candidate. Church leaders felt Santorum's two-fer of well documented hatred for gays and lesbians and his promise to start an unauthorized war with Iran and slaughter thousands of Iranians best demonstrated the Texas gathering's understanding of Christianity and their deep belief in the the King Of Peace, Jesus Christ. January 17, 2012. Texas Land O'God News |
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You Go Gargoyles! Romney support in stone. Gargoyles above downtown prepared to leap into their first political campaign since their installation by robber barons in the late 1800's. With a wealthy vulture capitalist running hopes are high for a new generation of gargoyles and a continuation of the statuesque species. January 14, 2012. Gargoyle Gazette Reporter |
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Perry Plucks Mitt! Says Romney and Bain Capital were get rich quick vulture not venture capitalists. Perry hammered Romney over and over about the thousands of jobs lost in South Carolina as a direct result of Bain Capital shutting down factories in South Carolina, sending the jobs overseas and pocketing over $100 million dollars in profits but leaving behind a landscape of ruined lives and families. Romney made a habit of posing for victory photos with his fellow scavengers at Bain Capital during frequent celebrations of shuttered factories, job layoffs and the looting millions of dollars from employee pension funds. Bain's biggest profits were made directly from firing thousands of working people. January 13, 2012. Perry's Whoopass News |
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Boss Sets Duke Brothers Free! Haley Barbour issues pardons to 200 on last day as Mississippi Governor. Haley "Boss" Barbour outraged all of Mississippi with the pardons. Five murderers who were in prison one week ago have now hightailed it to parts unknown. Two of those pardoned included the notorious Duke brothers of Hazard County who had been confined to TNN and CMT prisons since 1985. Locals are worried sick that Bo 'N' Luke are gonna show up and raise a ruckus. January 12, 2012. Mississippi Jacksonator. |
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Clown Car Comes To South Carolina! Nobody will quit despite another win for Mitt. Mitt Romney won the GOP primary in the state of New Hampshire with 39% of the vote. Ron Paul was second with 22% and Jon Huntsman was third with 16%. Newt Gingrich was fourth, Rick Santorum was fifth and Rick Perry sixth with 0.7%. Perry's New Hampshire showing was so doggone poor he was forced to ride in the crate atop Mitt's station wagon at the South Carolina welcome parade. If another clown can't top Mitt Romney in South Carolina polls this circus act may be folding it's tent before reaching most of 47 other states. January 11, 2012. South Carolina Circus News |
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Meet The Real Mitt, You're Fired! Romney says he likes being able to fire people! Mitt Romney was on the campaign trail in New Hampshire when he let the real Mitt slip out of the bag with an off script comment about switching healthcare providers after he guts Medicare on day one. Romney said that under his plan to end Medicare, by substituting limited healthcare vouchers, you can easily fire anybody providing services you're not satisfied with. Mitt explained it as if the act of firing your doctor was in itself therapeutic and would provide a long term health benefit equivalent to the medical care you will not receive once your voucher is spent. The idea of firing people thrills Romney who got visibly excited at that point and gleefully proclaimed how much he enjoyed firing people who didn't provide services to his satisfaction. Romney's personality is a lot like Donald Trump's and firing people has always been a source of joy for both men. Both are filthy rich guys who are driven by massive egos, are obsessed with endless self-promotion and are possessed by the level of greed necessary to amass huge fortunes. January 10, 2012. Mitt's Makeover Monthly |
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Mitt's Goose Still Not Cooked! Flaming hoops next Survivor series challenge for Mitt Romney. After two debates in 12 hours and the New Hampshire primary only one day away, Mitt has been roasted and salted but still has a several flaming hoops to jump through before he can claim the GOP nomination. The other candidates helped Mitt by attacking each other on Saturday night but Sunday morning they went after the frontrunner with a religous fervor. Romney's roast left Mitt baked a bit but not deep fried and despite his poll numbers dropping Romney still has a safe lead in New Hampshire. The bad news for Mitt is that a right-wing billionaire just donated $5 million dollars to Newt Gingrich. January 9, 2012. New Hampshire Survivor Dome |
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Obama Volunteers On The March! Tens of thousands work to re-elect President Obama! They're not millionaires. They don't have trust funds, hedge funds, overseas investments, royalties or mineral rights. They aren't living the easy life on Easy Street and there won't be any yachting this summer. They are the people that are working hard but had a hard time finding that hard work. They may not be in the genius category but they don't need a house call from Dr. House to diagnose they've been backstabbed by Republican politicians and greedy corporations who dismiss the desperate needs of many as an agonizing bore. January 8, 2012. Obama Marching Station |
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Paul Calls Out Chicken Hawk! Angry Paul blasts tough talking politicians who avoided military service! Only Ron Paul and Rick Perry served in the military. Newt Gingrich was drafted but got a deferment to avoid Vietnam. Ron Paul was also drafted and served with honor. Paul called it his pet peeve and said people like Gingrich who avoided military service when they had the chance to serve had no right to send young Americans into wars. Paul has received more donations from active duty military personnel than all other candidates combined. January 7, 2012. New Hampshire Farms Debate |
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McCain For Whom?  Maverick McCain still gets laughs on campaign trail! Rick Perry was dissappointed not receiving the endorsement of one his favorite comedians but ended up laughing his ass off (LMAO) anyway. John McCain meant to endorse Mitt Romney but when he gave his speech he accidently said Barack Obama instead of Mitt Romney. Perry laughed out loud (LOL) watching McCain's own "oops moment". The Maverick was hilarious as he squirmed out of his accidental Obama endorsment. Not so funny was Rick Perry's campaign which fell flat in New Hampshire. January 6, 2012. Dusty's Campaign Trail News |
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A Mitt For All Seasons! McCain endorses the new Mitt!
Following his eight vote landslide victory in Iowa Mitt Romney stepped off his chartered private jet to New Hampshire and was greeted by Senator John McCain at an event announcing his endorsement of Romney for President. Nobody knows more about how to lose an election to Barack Obama than John McCain so Romney was thrilled. Mitt now owns the voodoo economics wing of the center right splinter group of the mainstrem Republican portion of the non-Tea Party division of the Republican Party. Romney wore a new sweater vest and chatted in a folksy evangelical style. The recent success of Rick Santorum obviously influenced Romney's newest makeover. January 5, 2012. Mitt's Makeover Monthly |
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Lord Mitt Romney Wins Iowa Caucus!
8-piece chicken dinner from KFC costs Santorum. Wednesday morning Mitt Romney attended his coronation photo session on the Iowa Corn Throne as official winner of the Iowa Republican Caucus. Romney and his Super PACs spent enough money on the campaign to buy over 3000 acres of Iowa corn fields. Santorum lost by 8 votes after a home schooled bus driver stopped to order the 8-piece KFC combo and arrived at the caucus site late. Ron Paul finished a close third followed by Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann. January 4, 2012. Iowa Corn Throne |
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Santorum Rally Cornfuses Experts! Santorum gains in Iowa even as Romney rolls out million dollar gold plated campaign ad machine! Rick Santorum has been toiling near the bottomland of Iowa polls for weeks but suddenly his campaign is plowing into the top tier territory. Santorum has run family filled ads featuring his seven home schooled children and apparently Iowa's children of the corn have emerged from the fields in bushels. Other candidates have leveled few ad attacks at Santorum assuming he was just a scarecrow. January 2, 2012. Iowa Cornrow Highway |
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Santorum Promises War With Iran! Giddy Rick is war monger politician for Christ's sake! Rick Santorum has no patience for the Islamic people of Iran who would differ in opinion from a sweater vested American warmonger who is eager to bomb them into martyrdom. Santorum has made his guarantee of a U.S. military attack on Iran and the apocalyptic war to follow his most passionate campaign promise. A win in Iowa means evangelicals have voted for a Holy war on Iran. January 1, 2012. Iowa Killing Fields |
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Bromance Breakup Broke Newt's Heart! It's been all downhill since Trump fired Gingrich. Just 30 days ago Newt Gingrich was leading all national polls and basking in the spotlight with Donald Trump. Then all but two GOP candidates pulled out of Trump's Presidential Apprentice Debate so Trump fired them all including a tearful and dismayed Newt. Since the bromantic breakup the Gingrich campaign has been both disorganized and dispirited and his failure to keep Trump's support cost him millions in campaign cash. December 31, 2011. Year's Biggest Breakups |
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Exodus From Bachmann Lair! Another top campaign aide flees after Bachmann airs dirty laundry. First her political director quit to work for Ron Paul. Then after a peeved Bachmann made an awful stink another campaign aide was either sprayed or fired. Bachmann won the first Iowa straw poll but it's been downhill ever since despite the lack of hills in Iowa. Her instinctive habit of spraying inflammatory odorous fabrications and fouling the air to toxic levels in otherwise civil discourse had some in the eye-burning exodus fleeing in panic. December 30, 2011. Iowa Animal Control Blog |
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Ron Paul Is No Peace Puppy! America's defense does not require endless wars and world domination! America currently borrows money from China to maintain military bases in 130 nations around the globe. All the Republican candidates except Ron Paul are promising increased military spending and an insane preemptive attack and war on Iran without raising a dime to pay for it, without a legal justification for a war, and without a declaration of war by the U.S. Congress as required by the U.S. Constitutiton. Paul understands that a majority of Americans, including many millions of Republicans, are sick to death of endless undeclared wars and the stupid tough talking power crazed politicians that start and promote wars for personal political gain or evil blood lust. December 30, 2011. Des Moines Dog & Pony |
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Tortoise Crawls Past Hare In Iowa! Santorum moves into third place as hare Perry runs wrong direction! For the first time the self-proclaimed tortoise, has seen a surge of support in Iowa. The collapse of support for Michele Bachmann and Newt Gingrich due to tons of ruffage and the hare-brained dashing in all directions of Rick Perry created an opening and Rick Santorum has inched his way forward at top speed. The tortoise said if he didn't do well in Iowa he'd be out of the race. December 29, 2011. Iowa Downs Raceway |
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If Corporations Are People, Romney Is Mass Murderer! At Bain Capital, Romney committed abortions and infanticide on struggling young corporations. Romney amassed a personal fortune of $250 million by buying out U.S. corporations, murdering them and sending all human jobs overseas. Mitt's expertise at murderering corporations will be used on government programs like Social Security and Medicare since they are unjustly biased to favor humans over corporations. December 28, 2011. Corporate Abortions Today |
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Ron Paul Bunyan vs. Mild Mitt Romney Showdown In Des Moines So far it's been Romney versus "The Gang That Can't Shoot Straight". But now in the final week Ron Paul Bunyan, the man with a trillion dollar axe, is surging like a flow of ponderosa pine logs coming down a mountain river. December 28, 2011. Iowa Okay Corral Blog |
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Newt's Got Some Splainin To Do! Disorganized candidate left off Virginia ballot Despite Newt Gingrich being the favorite in Virginia where he has lived for the past seven years, his disorganized campaign failed to collect enough signatures to get on the ballot. It's a major setback and Gingrich compared it to Pearl Harbor. Within hours Mitt Romney was saying "Pearl Harbor? More like Lucille Ball in the chocolate factory. You gotta get it organized." Romney is feeling good with millions of dollars in attack ads pulverizing Gingrich in Iowa while a frantic Newt is floundering for lack of campaign cash. December 27, 2011. Newt's Chocolate Factory |
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Romney Anointed Illuminati Endorsee! Post-Apocalypse plans for New World Order secure. In a private ceremony held in the 39th floor penthouse solarium of a Manhattan high rise, Mitt Romney received the essential endorsement of the Illuminati represented by none other than former President George H. W. Bush. The Illuminati control much of the world's wealth and have been the wealthiest people on the planet for more than 200 years. Less than 99 families control more wealth than 99% of the world's population. The Illuminati plans for a post-Apocalypse New World Order have been in place for decades so they represent the status quo and their endorsement of Romney was no surprise. From the world of business Mitt has been on a first name basis with many of the superrich elite for a very long time. Fed Chairman Bernanke attended the event but stayed near the buffet table as the food is always excellent at Illuminati chowdowns. December 26, 2011. New World Order Tower |
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Grandma Saves Christmas! Speaker's toy train unplugged. Tea Party freshmen paddled and sent to bed. Grandma had had enough. She's got photos that make the Tea Party blackmail photos of Boehner look like Valentine's Day cards by comparison. A tearful Boehner's balls had been busted by Grandma so he backed the bus up and within 24 hours the House passed the payroll tax cut holiday and unemployment benefits extension bill and sent it to the President for his signature. 3 million unemployed Americans will not have their benefits terminated and the federal payroll tax holiday which affects 160 million Americans was saved just in time for a Merry Christmas 2011. December 24, 2011. E-Blackmail Holiday News |
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GOP Christmas Card Arrives At 160 Million Homes! Coal lump not included. This year's GOP Christmas card photo shows beaming Republican leaders and Tea Party freshman basking in the attention of the media. "We must be even more popular than Christmas because, Jesus Christ, look at all these television cameras!" joked one wide-eyed Tea Party freshman as the Scrooge-like Speaker announced he would not allow an up or down vote to take place on the compromise bill that the Senate passed 89-10. The federal payroll tax holiday is dead. Oh come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant... December 23, 2011. National Scoundrel Daily |
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Impotent Boehner Public Enemy Number One! Herpes virus more popular than Speaker. He was for it before he was against it! After the Senate passed the compromise bill and left town hysterical Tea Party freshman got their blackmail photos out and Boehner backstabbed America and changed his mind and went back on his word and betrayed his oath of office and backstabbed 160 million Americans. Merry Christmas. The federal payroll tax holiday and unemployment benefits are dead thanks to John Boehner. December 22, 2011. National Scoundrel Daily |
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Ape House Revolt! Caesar, Cantor impotent as Tea Party monkeys pee in pool. The federal payroll tax holiday and unemployment benefits may die in the house. Up to 160 million U.S. zoo patrons may be affected by the latest anti-social bad behavior and antics of GOP Tea Party monkeys. December 21, 2011. National Monkey News |
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Gingrich Got Fat At Public Trough! Gingrich says frankly he is fundamentally a historian and categorically denies that a few million dollars could radically alter his neoconservative ideology which is universally recognized as profoundly and profusely adverb rich and candidly has been demonstrably proven noteworthy repeatedly! An exasperated Gingrich also said frankly the negativity of the largely Republican sponsored campaign activity against him is candidly seedy and unequivocally and diabolically dangerous as well as possibly historically unprecedented. Gingrich was apparently exhausted from frankly an overly ambitious and uncautiously optimistic strategy basically wherein the candidate inexplicably spews adverbs at ratios normally considered to be of legendary proportionality especially considering the characteristically limited time duration of windows of opportunity and frankly the brevity of typically broadcast sound bites aired nationally. December 20, 2011. Cedar Rapids Thesaurian |
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Looks Like A Duck! Romney and Gingrich and mallard bonding ritual. Mitt was asked if he thought Newt was a lobbyist for taking $1,800,000 from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac while those entities were committing securities frauds. Mitt replied "If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's usually a duck". Mitt knows ducks and keeps his ducks in a row but Mitt didn't mention another duck axiom, "It takes a duck to know a duck". Both Romney and Gingrich rake in millions of dollars every year and get taxed at a lower tax rate than their duck farm laborers who shovel their deluge of duck dung daily. December 19, 2011. Des Moines Duckument |
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Bombs Bachmann Wages War! Bachmann denies hating Iranian Muslims, she just wants them all dead. At the latest GOP debate Michele Bachmann warned "It's in their Constitution! We have to bomb Iran before they get a nuclear weapon and we have to bomb until they say Uncle Sam You My Maam!" If elected she plans to "bomb Iranians to kingdom come, where they can enjoy their martyrdom". Bachmann thanked Herman Cain, for her new Iran policy slogans including... "Bomb, Bomb, Bomb and here's why". Ron Paul tried to hose down the bombast of boiling bloodlust but was booed. December 18, 2011. Iowa Great Hate Debate |
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Bachmann Pole Numbers Improve! America knows she's got talent but she rocks hard. Michelle Bachmann has turned up the volume and switched to a full blown all metal attack. She's not taking prisoners but is bashing heads and busting balls. She grips the pole like it's the neck of a hated arch rival and does verbal gymnastics while squeezing the life out of some poor gasping geezer. December 17, 2011. Aames Talent Reviewer |
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Huntsman Reported To Be At Debate! Jon Huntsman has been the invisible man in Iowa. Huntsman appeared at the final Iowa GOP debate but received little attention because the other candidates were attacking each other like wild animals. Despite the resounding indifference Huntsman enjoys his image as the only GOP candidate who believes in science and his economic plan was deemed superior by the Wall Street Journal. December 17, 2011. Iowa Intelligent Designer |
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Mitt Outswam Newt! South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley endorses Romney after seeing Gingrich in swimtrunks. Romney aced the hot tub portion of the endorsement interview process with a soft sell. As a moistened Nikki warmed up and listened to Mitt's soothing salespitch voice, beads of moisture dripped over her full lips and off her soft chin into the soothing bubbly hot water at this hidden spa and resort. Mitt dove in and swam with his best stroke as he closed the deal even though Nikki didn't say yes right away. Mitt made a generous personal donation to the Governor's personal pet project. Mitt's rival Newt Gingrich had an awkward swim with Nikki. Gingrich fared poorly due to his embarrassingly flabby overweight physique that evoked a reaction of revulsion. December 16, 2011. Myrtle Beach Country Club |
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Romney Debuts The New Mitt! Mitt can be anybody Republicans want! In a bold gamble that reminds advertising people of the famous Coca-Cola switch, Mitt Romney unveiled a new reformulated Mitt Romney with obvious flavor influences from opponent Newt Gingrich. Team Romney realized Michele Bachmann had a great marketing slogan when she repeatedly chanted "Newt Romney" in the last Iowa GOP debate so they went right to work on Mitt's latest makeover. Romney's campaign braintrust thinks it's just the right catch phrase to sway compulsive candidate switchers and undecided schizophrenic GOP voters in Iowa and hope this new tactic is the one that makes all Republicans finally accept Mitt Romney as the inevitable pre-selected nominee of the GOP. December 16, 2011. Mitt's Makeover Monthly |
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Newt's Gravy Train On Circular Track! Gingrich Inc. hauled in an estimated $100 million. Newt Gingrich has cashed in on his political career like no Congressman has ever done before. His cash take since leaving Congress in disgrace is larger than the total amount of all government payoffs and bribes resulting in criminal convictions in U.S. history. December 15, 2011. World's Biggest Scandals |
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Gingrich Love Story To Air On TV! Heartwarming story of crossdressing soulmates. Newt Gingrich is known as an angry bomb thrower and insult artist but he also has a tender side. On vacation with his soulmate and life partner cruising the Mediterranean Sea in a luxury yacht, Newt becomes cuddly and tender. Their vacation to Greece last spring was practically a romance novel. December 14, 2011. LOGO Romance Theatre |
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Newterman Hosts Event For Kids Who Want To Be School Janitors! Newt crooned
"Flock Of Seagulls" hits in the upstairs rumpus room of a large mansion in his wealthy neighborhood. Attendance was sparse with just three neighborhood mothers and no children who all fled in terror when they saw Newt's heavily armed security detail. Two of the mothers said they would vote for Gingrich and wrote out political contribution checks but a third said her vote was conditional on the outcome of a custody battle. She said if her ex-husband won and her kids supported the decision then she wanted her kids to clean school toilets otherwise she was going to be be too busy to bother voting. The Gingrich campaign declared the event another successful fundraiser and were certain they were connecting with voters of all ages. Other neighhbors including Mr. and Mrs. Smith didn't want to be identified but complained to police because the media traffic snarl had delayed the delivery of an ice sculpture to their lawn party. December 13, 2011. Gingrich For The Kids LLC |
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SuperPac Ad Blasts Dirty Old Gingrich! "The only reason Newt Gingrich stopped being a philandering douchebag is because he's too fat to find his penis!" Newt Gingrich started the mud-slinging when he attacked Mitt Romney by saying the only reason Mitt wasn't a career politician was because he lost to Teddy Kennedy. Romney responded with a line about the only reason he also wasn't an NFL football star and got laughs but he was steamed at Newt's personal attack. Later in a gusher of gall Gingrich dismissed his three marraiges and serial adultery as irrelevent when he played the Grandpa card saying "I'm now a 68 year-old grandfather." Newt implied he'd changed for the better and acquired a new sense of morality but he's still the same amoral amphibian who likes to spin the facts like a centrifuge. America's collective psyche could not endure revelations of a Gingrich lemon party in the White House. December 12, 2011. Grandpa Gingrich Report |
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Speak Softly And Carry A Big Axe! When it comes to cuts see Ron Paul Bunyan! Ron Paul is the most ardent budget cutter of all time. "Dr. No" has voted against new government spending more times than anybody else in Congressional history and has been the lone NO vote on new government spending more times than anybody can count. Government budget cutting has become popular among the other candidates but they still only propose gimmicks like slowing the rate of growth of government and not actually making any real budget cuts. On the issue of cutting government spending Ron Paul towers over the other candidates and should do well in the GOP primaries that begin January 3rd. Paul advocates slashing $1 trillion in military spending, ending the failed war on drugs, and having the government save billions of dollars by staying out of everybody's personal and private business. Ron Paul spares no trees in the forest and even if you like him he intends to slash some government spending that you are going to want continued. Compared to the experience and leadership Ron Paul has shown on the issue of federal government fiscal responsibility the other candidates are like children with a $500,000 revolving line of credit at Tiffany's Toy Store. December 11, 2011. Federal New Growth Forest. |
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Gingrich Balloon Higher Than Ever! Newt now floating on top of all national polls! Gingrich had a relatively easy breeze when he was trailing badly but with his new frontrunner status the arrows will be flying his way at the next two debates. With his thin skin and flammable nature Newt has to avoid a Hindenburg crash while manuvering through a circle of anti-aircraft archers in slow motion. The other candidates will be launching a fusillade of unfriendly feathered arrows trying to pop the Gingrich gas bag first because this carnival contest has a grand prize of the GOP presidential nomination and the competition is expected to be fierce from here on out. December 10, 2011. Gingrich Slo-Mo Air Show |
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Trumpduck Left With Nutsacks! Bachmann, Perry now say they're not Trumpsuckers Billionaire Donald Trumpduck purchased the entire Tea Party and expected them to show up at his debate. Newt Gingrich and Eft Santorum were included in the leveraged buyout and handed over in plastic bags like carnival goldfish as were the other candidates. However, the other Tea Party candidates have all swum away. Only the amphibians, Newt and Eft remain. Because of their being only part reptillian by nature the pair do not find Trumpsucking offensive when done as a means of sustenance. December 9, 2011. Trump Tower Playroom. |
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Poor Children Need To Work In Toilets! Starting early on a lifetime of miserable toil is vital! Newt Gingrich insists that poor children need to develop the habit of getting up early to clean school toilets that rich kids vandalize on purpose in order to humiliate the poor kids who clean them. Newt feels this will realistically prepare poor kids for working as opposed to the only kids making money today who are all criminals and lack useful skills. December 2, 2011. Gingrinch Christmas Charity. |
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Newt Shows Trump Star Treatment! Pair emerge all smiles after private meeting in Trump Hotel suite! At a joint news conference following the meeting Trump signaled his approval with hand gestures and later boasted that the road to the White House runs through his hotel suite. Gingrich was in New York making the pilgramage to curry favor with Donald Trump who will be hosting a GOP Presidential debate on December 27 and called Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman joke candidates for deriding the importance of Donald Trump and refusing to appear on the "Presidential Apprentice with Donald Trump" as listed in TV Guide. Check your local cable channel listings. December 1, 2011. Trump Tribute Meeting Hall. |
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