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 Nadda Wants New HeadJabba Nadda reemerges from goo to blast Hillary Clinton... In 2000 Jabba Nadda helped sabotage Al Gore in Florida and is back hoping to add Hillary's head to his subterranean trophy room. Nadda says he likes Edwards because of his facial resemblance to Luke Skywalker. December 31, 2007. Jabba's Pizza Hutt |
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| Romney's Winter Olympics Mitt regains lead in Iowa while Huckabee goes hunting... Mitt Romney has unleashed a blizzard of attack ads against Mike Huckabee and it's paid off like a superfecta. Romney recaptured ground previously lost and has Huckabee pleading "Can't we all just get along?" December 31, 2007. Quad Cities Feed and Tack OTB |
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| Obama Gets Good News Local pharmacist says it's not necessarily now or never... Senator Obama had been quoted on the campaign trail as saying his wife told him it's now or never. December 30, 2007. Des Moines ED Clinic Pharmacy |
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| Snowman Favors Edwards Older ladies and college kids may not show in blizzard... With the Iowa caucuses only a week away John Edwards has the most support among blue collar workers and Iowa snow plow operators. Clinton leads among older women and Obama leads with the youth vote. December 29, 2007. Aames Snowmobiles and Tire Repair Shop |
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| Smarter Than A 5th Grader Huckabee gets 17 out of 20 in surprise current events quiz... After a few minor gaffes the former Arkansas Governor's lack of foreign policy has come under fire by his Republican rivals. December 28, 2007. Des Moines Adult Education Center |
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| Romney's Hand Balloons Mitt Romney's right hand swells to twice normal size... Republican Mitt Romney estimates he has shaken 75,000 hands and now his hand has swollen to freakish proportions. Doctors prescribed defeat as the best way for Romney's right hand to return to normal size. December 27, 2007. Des Moines Nail Salon and Glove Shop |
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| Paul's Saucer Shot Down Air Force mistakenly shoots down $6 million flying saucer... Paul's campaign has been forced to switch to a hot air balloon to save money. Ron Paul thought the saucer project had been abandoned but since he has zero control over his own campaign the project went forward anyway. December 26, 2007. Manchester International Airport |
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| McCain Surging At 1/4 Pole Sheer force of will powering gutwrenching comeback rally... After a string of important newspaper endorsements Senator John McCain is staging a huge rally at the top of the strech and has made up as many as 15 lengths in New Hampshire on frontrunner Mitt Romney... December 24, 2007. Manchester Downs Raceway |
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| Tancredo Out... Tacos 3/$1 "We successfully got Romney's landscape company fired."... Republican Tom Tancredo declared victory just before he announced the end of his campaign. Tancredo also said he was especially proud of setting the all time record for most appearances on "Lou Dobbs Tonight". December 21, 2007. Manchester Meats Refrigerated Warehouse NH |
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| Paul's Pimp Blacklash "I was exflabbergasted and want my donation refunded now!"... The Ron Paul campaign scored $500 from a Florida white power group but now an exasperated Miami Pimpmaster wants his cash back by midnight... December 21, 2007. Miami Massage and Racketball OTB |
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| Rudy Okays Waterboarding "Once in a lifetime, once in a decade, not during a drought"... Giuliani went on to describe a scenario involving a terrorist who knows the location of a nuclear bomb about to go off in 24 hours. However, Rudy would not comment further because he's still writing the action packed novel. December 21, 2007. Wolf's Bookstore Manchester NH |
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| Hillary Ready For Stretch New Hampshire and Iowa campaigns sprint to the wire... With just two weeks remaining Senator Hillary Clinton is running about a half length ahead in New Hampshire and a half length behind in Iowa... December 20, 2007. Iowa Downs Raceway and Fairgrounds |
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| Santa Remembers 9/11 Santa was busy in his workshop making toys that fateful day... An emotional Santa Claus still finds comfort in the former Mayor's hands-on approach and the two remain close personal friends especially since Rudy fixed Santa's immigration problem... December 19, 2007. Santa's Christmas Tree Cafe NH |
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| Fred Xmas Campaign Ad Thompson says there's nothing subliminal in Christmas ad... Analysts say the Christmas tree ornament in the background looks like the crosshairs in a precision scope leveler for a hunting rifle. Fred calls it a coincidence but that is exactly what he wants for a Christmas present. December 19, 2007. Des Moines Mega Mall Gun Shop OTB |
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| McCain: Grunts Not Ready Claims these Gomer Pyles lack experience to lead military... New Hampshire's biggest newspaper has endorsed Senator John McCain saying that no other Republican candidate is remotely as qualified as John McCain is to be Commander in Chief.. December 18, 2007. Fort Dukakis NH |
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 Paul Feeds The MassesMrs. Paul's fish sticks replaced on Christmas dinner menu... Ron Paul decided to switch to the favorite food of his internet political advisors, Jesse The Spam Clown and Trigger, because Ron Paul's people just love Spam. December 17, 2007. Manchester HotSpot Raceway Cafe OTB |
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| Huckabeast Unleashed Senior Republican strategist finally has a candidate to die for... The meteroic rise was no surprise to GOP political strategist Professor Ed Rollinshead who was once official Voodoo Wizard and Assistant Astrologer for a California Governor named Ronald Reagan. December 16, 2007. Armageddon IA |
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| Democrats In The Woods Gravel and Kucinich have spirited debate but nobody heard it... The two candidates got lost on the trail to Iowa and tempers flared. Both Democrats were excluded from the important Iowa debate because they never bothered to set up a campaign office anywhere in the state. December 15, 2007. Unknown National Forest |
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| Performance Enhanced Substance and amity found in final Iowa Democratic debate... Iowans say the candidates should be that nice to each other more often. One woman said the candidates were so pleasant it was like they were on the same medication she uses. December 14, 2007. Johnson City Raceway OTB |
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| McCain Blasts Huckabee Says Governor lacks military and foreign policy experience... Senator John McCain says the middle of a war is not the right time for on the job training and especially when it comes to promoting a Pfc to Commander in Chief. December 14, 2007. Fort Dukakis Tank Testing Track |
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| Ivy League Animal House Obama admits bong hits, Bush admits booze benders... One disappointed Obama fan bemoaned the revelation that Obama has something in common with Bush is worse than having Dick Cheney in the family tree.Obama Shop December 14, 2007. National Tell An Old Secret Day OTB |
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| McCain Hunting For Blimp Senator McCain says Ron Paul advocates surrender in Iraq... McCain, a former Navy pilot, also claims blimps are indefensible and totally useless in the current Iraq War. December 13, 2007. Aames Iowa Archery Range |
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| Huckabee Ready To Roll Former Governor has answers for every issue on video tape... By adapting his positions to various Walker Texas Ranger episodes Huckabee is assured a postive audience response. December 12, 2007. Des Moines Television Studios |
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| 2nd Paul Blimp Grounded Misspelling forces cancellation of two blimp campaign... Ron Paul spokesman, Jessie the Spam Clown, said the error was regrettably due to a Brownsville, Texas sign painting contractor's use of non-english speaking painters who where later fired. December 11, 2007. Brownsville Downs Ractrack and Homeless Shelter |
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| Richardson's Stars Hotter Bill Richardson has his own celebrities waiting in the wings... Everybody's talking about Oprah and Obama but Governor Bill Richardson's campaign is working to assemble the hottest lineup of celebrities of any presidential candidate. December 10, 2007. Casa Des Moines Mexican Restaurant and OTB |
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| Chuck Brings Huck Luck Huckabee's popularity explodes after tv star's endorsement... Mike Huckabee has suddenly surged into first place in Iowa and that means he'll become the target of political attacks. But with Walker, Texas Ranger as his sidekick some of those dogs may choose not to hunt. December 9, 2007. Texarkana Hunting Preserve and RV Park |
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| Lawyer Lauds Law School Former Senator recommends legal career to college students... John Edwards often speaks of two worlds but was especially frank this time saying if Edwards didn't win the election the students won't have a prayer to get as rich as he is without a law degree. December 8, 2007. Iowa State College OTB |
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| Obama At Pearl Harbor Senator pays respects to naval heroes of World War II... Senator Barack Obama lived in Hawaii as a youth and returns regularly to visit friends and family. Obama Shop December 7, 2007. Pearl Harbor Hawaii via Sparks Nevada Rest Home |  |
| Huckabee At Banjo Contest Former Governor to judge annual Ozark dueling banjos event... In a related story, Huckabee denies he was in any way responsible for the early release of Hillbilly Horton, an Arkansas rapist that committed crimes after gaining his freedom. December 7, 2007. Ozark Mountains Dueling Banjos Festival OTB |
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| Mitt Romney On LDS Mitt's prescription says American democracy requires faith... However, Elder Romney did not go so far as to say that any particular type of faith was required or that faith identification cards would be issued if he is elected. December 6, 2007. Sioux City Latter Day Saints Temple of Pointy Towers OTB |
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| Reddy Behind Email Hoax Neglected 80 year old icon Reddy Killowatt was mad as hell... Once known worldwide as The Mighty Atom, Reddy now suffers from dementia and apparently snapped. His mind somehow confused the names Osama and Obama before he sent out the notoriuos and widely circulated email. December 5, 2007. Sparks Nevada Rest Home Holding Cell |
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| Obama Meets Clinton Plant Senator says plant asks excellent questions for a plant... Obama was campaigning at the Iowa Institute of Horticulture when he ran across the same plant that caused a furor by asking Hillary Clinton a question at a news conference last week. December 5, 2007. Iowa Institute Of Horticulture Language Department |  |
| The Imus And Oprah Show New show aims to eliminate all negative racial stereotypes... The digital satellite format with infinite colors is the perfect media for starting a new effort to help achieve racial harmony in America. December 4, 2007. Chicago World Satellite Tower OTB |
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| Senator Craig's Lisp Republican has new explanation: "We were just playing ball"... GOP strategists, however, still think Craig's alleged encounters with eight different men in public restrooms has become a major league problem for all Republican presidential candidates. December 3, 2007. Republican Senators Locker Room |
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| Rapdaddy Rove's Latest Obama receives unexpected ditty about how to beat Hillary... The Rove Rap audio message delivered with a thumping hip hop beat on a massive boom box was so irresistable that all in attendance were dancing. December 2, 2007. Des Moines Roller Rink Dance Contest Fundraiser |  |
| Mitt Lawyers Up For Duty Romney ready to honor Massachusetts tank ride tradition... Former Massachusetts Governors with no military service who are running for President have a tradition of talking tough and taking tank rides on test tracks. Romney was a Mormon missionary in France during the Viet Nam War. December 1, 2007. Fort Dukakis Tank Testing Track |
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| Bus Drivers For Hillary Clinton endorsed by bus drivers union. Bus riders undecided... Spokesman Ralph Kramden arrived on time to say the union would help shuttle Clinton's campaign to a primary victory and then drive a 1000 bus caravan to the White House in 2008. November 30, 2007. Des Moines Downtown Bus Depot OTB |
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| TV Debate May Be Torture Senator McCain's Mom says YouTube TV debate was torture... McCain's Mom says she doesn't want to waste electricity on the big screen TV that Johnny bought her just to watch little pictures in little square boxes the same size as her old 17" Zenith. November 29, 2007. McCain Mountain AZ |
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| Bushmore Plans Scrapped Lack of legacy forces stoppage of National Parks project... Park Rangers say artisans have packed up and gone home and that only an impressive achievement by lame duck President Bush could rekindle interest in the Mt. Rushmore makeover. November 28, 2007. South Dakota Satellite OTB |
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| Kucinich's Space Junket Returns from mission with possible proof Cheney not human... In a bold move that no other candidate would dare, Congressman Dennis Kucinich has returned from a fact finding mission claiming he has proof that Vice President Cheney is of non-human origin. November 27, 2007. Nevada Testing Grounds |
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| Pimp Pads Paul's Poll Bunny Ranch brothel owner to raise money for Ron Paul... Ron Paul advisor, Jesse the Spam Clown, says Ron Paul believes in freedom and there's no mention of pimps and hos in the U.S. Constitution. November 26, 2007. Bunny Ranch Nevada OTB |
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| Fred Finds Paradise Thompson says visit to gun show was like heaven on earth... Despite owning a hunting license that expired in 1985, former Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson insists he finds nothing more relaxing or spiritual than the sport of hunting and killing wild animals with high caliber weaponry. November 25, 2007. Gainesville Guns and Godfest OTB |  |
| Huckabee In Springfield Candidate will talk turkey and eat turkey with local residents... Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee plans to enjoy a large Thanskgiving feast and has prepared for weeks by jogging whenever possible. November 22, 2007. Springfield Iowa Simpson Residence |  |
| Paul Wins Diaper Derby Paul poll shows babies prefer former baby doctor by 94% ... Ron Paul advisor, Jesse the Spam Clown, says with the immature and restless tilt of our core supporter's psyche we needed a poll where Dr. Paul could win every day and now we have it. November 20, 2007. Des Moines Day Care Center OTB |
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| Fred's Gift To Homeless Proposes huge tax cut for homeless offshore corporations... Former Senator Thompson developed the idea after discussions with his top economic advisor, Jay Leno, who says that American corporations should not have to live offshore on islands just to cheat the I.R.S. because they can do that right here with this proposal. November 19, 2007. Tonight Show Economic Advisory Council |  |
| Bush Pardons Turkey President pardons one but millions received death sentences... A resolution on the past genocide was circulating in the House of Representatives but was reportedly shot dead by avid hunter Dick Cheney. November 18, 2007. Washington Square Applebee's Turkey Tent OTB |
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| Border Agent Tancredo Congressman considers new career if Presidential bid falters... As a U.S. Border Patrol Agent Tom Tancredo could continue to pursue his passion of securing the border and stopping illegal immigration. November 17, 2007. Arizona/Mexico Border OTB |
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| Feds Pinch Paul's Pennies Illegal currency seized in predawn raid on Ron Paul's pals ... The Feds seized two tons of copper coins bearing the likeness of Congressman Ron Paul after complaints by an Indiana wishing well operator. No arrests were made. November 16, 2007. Indianapolis Gallery of 500 Games OTB |
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| Fancy Pants Smarty Pants John Edwards and Dennis Kucinich find common threads... If they weren't both running for President in 2008, the fashion pants business they were born to operate could dominate the fashion pants industry. November 15, 2007. Iowa Fashion Week Festival OTB |
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| Foe's Fuss Over Fuzz Edwards says Hillary is fuzzy, Giuliani says her hair is frizzy... The frontrunner reacted calmly to the critcism saying her goal is to find solutions to fuzzy issues but apologized for a bad hair day saying "My hair was not at it's best". November 10, 2007. Des Moines Beauty College and Laundromat OTB |
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| McCain's Tobacco History McCain is related to famous Native-American Mister Smokes... The family resemblance is striking at this Tombstone, Arizona liquor store where Mister Smokes' statue stands watch in the cigar section. Mister Smokes was a POW at Ft. Apache in the 1860's. November 3, 2007. Mister Smokes Liquor Store |
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| Palmetto's Native Done Democrat bigwigs say no to Colbert on South Carolina ballot... TV host Stephen Colbert reacted with shock and awe after being excluded him from the South Carolina Democratic primary ballot. November 2, 2007. Palmetto Downs Turf Club Lounge |
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| Farmers Plow Bush Under American farmers in the heartland have given up on Bush... As unsold bushels of Bushberries ferment at farmers markets, many farmers feel the last few years of farming have been far from fruitful. November 1, 2007. Farmersville Iowa Heartland Satellite OTB |
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| Romney Wins First Contest Mitt Romney says "Best Costume" victory is still a victory... Former Governor Romney's costume was a terrifying spittin' image of Boris Karloff's vintage Frankenstein monster. October 31, 2007. Manchester Downs Halloween Costume Party |
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| Governor Says Yes And No Richardson is an artist in the delicate art of negotiation... New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson is a skilled negotiator who was once the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. October 30, 2007. Des Moines Swap Meet and Greet |
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| Gravel Dumps On Color TV Says American values transmitted better in black and white... Former Alaska Senator Mike Gravel says he knew Sky King personally and still watches "I Love Lucy" reruns daily. October 29, 2007. Senior City New Hampshire OTB |
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| Senator Says Not So Fast Chris Dodd wants primary voters to rethink frontrunners... Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd insists there are issues to discuss and he's still in this race despite polls still showing him to be near last place. October 28, 2007. Manchester Downs Breeders Cup Conference |
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| Feds Send Stealth Tankers Congressman asks military for help with San Diego fires... Only 1700 homes burned before the $3 billion dollar airplanes flew over at the request of Duncan Hunter. Firefighters stretched thin and working 36 hour shifts were cheered by the display of U.S. military preparedness. October 27, 2007. San Diego County Fire Mobile OTB |
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| Birthday Cake Fire Rages Hillary's giant 60th birthday cake briefly flames out of control... The blaze was roaring until with Bill's help Hillary was able to blow out the candles. Official estimates ranged up to 200,000 calories as large sections of the vanilla cake were consumed. October 26, 2007. Manchester Downs Turf Club Banquet Room |
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| Obama Tries To Lead Wave A wave of change will wash across America after Bush... Senator Barack Obama says that after the dismal years of the Bush presidency America's spirit will be reborn with hope and optimism. Obama Shop October 25, 2007. Iowa Baptist Bacon and Egg Breakfast Benefit |
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| Biden Riffs On Giuliani "Rudy can dance but knows nothing about foreign policy"... Senator "Mo Joe" Biden sang that with the exception of "Little Mac" McCain the Republican candidates can't carry a tune in a bucket 'bout what's goin' down outside a US zip code. October 24, 2007. Iowa Foreign Policy Review Dinner Show |  |
| Tancredo's Stable Plans Seal the border, end abortion, extra kids can muck stables... Tom Tancredo has a comprehensive immigration plan that replaces illegal immigrants with new homegrown American babies. October 23, 2007. Iowa Christian Club Celebration of Animals |  |
| Huckabee's Table Plans Seal the border, end abortion, extra kids can harvest our food... Former heavyweight Mike Huckabee has a nutrition based immigration plan that replaces illegal immigrants with new homegrown American babies. October 22, 2007. Iowa Christian Club Celebration of Vegetables |  |
| Barack's Got Backup Senator Obama picks up heroic crimefighter endorsements... Senator Barack Obama says he's concerned about crime from Gotham City to Smallville and proposes to immediately upgrade the antiquated emergency bat beam. Obama Shop October 21, 2007. Gotham City Courthouse OTB |  |
| GOP Race A Classic Tale Aesop may have written the familiar story of 2008 race... The hare was out in front after 10,000 television commercials but the tortoise was determined and would not quit. October 20, 2007. Merrimack River Trail in New Hampshire |  |
| Electile Dysfunction A frustrated Brownback ends effort due to soft support... Kansas Senator Sam Brownback's lack of greenbacks has forced him to pull out of the race. Sam's dream lies limp on his yellow brick road as he couldn't even raise a million dollars.. October 19, 2007. Davenport Bingo For Brownback Rally |  |
| Ron Paul's Constitutional Rep. Paul furious over foot tapping in GOP mens room... Newly installed wiretaps recorded Paul's outburst yesterday morning at what another Republican Congressman said was just a practical joke. October 18, 2007. House of Representatives GOP Mens Room |
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| Seniors Pay Bills For Bill Gov. Richardson impresses and collects at AARP convention... After addressing the concerns of senior citizens, a large amount of money was collected as ushers passed adult diapers around the room for donations. October 17, 2007. AARP Convention AAmes Iowa |  |
| Ancient Debate On Island? Ancient island idol bears striking resemblance to Hillary... One native island psychic claims Hillary may be the reincarnated Queen of the lost continent of Atlantis Morrisette. October 16, 2007. Eastern Islands Archipelago OTB |  |
| Johnny's Fingerpointings Former Senator artfully wags finger at Hillary over Iran vote... John Edward's digital divining rod wants peace and has already apologized for former Senator Edwards' vote to go to war in Iraq. October 15, 2007. National Drought and Drainage Center |
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| Fred's Wife Not The Trophy It's her identical twin sister who's the trophy insiders allege... Word on the grapevine is that Thompson has always loved the ladies and that's why Fred retired from the Senate and went back to Hollywood a few years ago. October 14, 2007. Malibu Church of the Living Right Newsletter |  |
| Mitt Rubs Rudy Wrong Way Romney remarks rile Rudy at recent Republican wrangle... Rudy reacted by rebuffing Romney and the enmity was evident until some homogeneous Hillary bashing and mutual manly massage mellowed the mood. October 13, 2007. Detroit Republican Debate |  |
| Kucinich South Of Border Vegetarian Congressman campaigns for votes in Mexico... Kucinich says his vegan lifestyle and 29 year old wife have given him the energy of a young man. He says he's only been south of the border a few times with his wife but he's loving it. October 12, 2007. Cabo San Lucas Hilton Garden Villa #2 |  |
| Dominican Republican Rudy calls for U.S. annexation after Yankees go home... Giuliani declares doctrine after Yankees lose to Cleveland. We need big league prospects and if we can invade Iraq we can annex the Dominican because great ballplayers are worth more than oil. October 11, 2007. Yankee Stadium OTB |  |
| Edwards Hand Eye Genius Former Senator has incredible ability to point out facts... John Edward's dazzling digital ambidexterity is a tremendous asset when the candidate is simultaneously illustrating a point and drawing a conclusion. October 10, 2007. Fingerhut Handicraft Convention Center |
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| Barack In The Saddle Senator Obama says he's ready to lead our troops home... Senator Barack Obama says Bush and the Republicans can't find the way home so he'll go there himself and on day one of his presidency he'll bring the troops home.Obama Shop October 9, 2007. Blackhawk Downs Virginia |  |
| Missing Hunter Found Congressman Hunter was campaigning in wrong Carolina... North Carolina locals were surprised at the candidate's appearance since the early primary is in South Carolina. However, they said Duncan Hunter gave a hell of a speech anyway. October 8, 2007. Mecklenberg Meadows Raceway |
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| Definitely Not Doddering Fur flys as firefighter's favorite faces off to fight fire with fire... Senator Chris Dodd, who has been endorsed by fire fighters unions, got in a rude reporter's face to say he's still in this race despite polls showing him to be near last place. October 7, 2007. New Hampshire Fire Prevention Convention |
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| Tancredo's Revolution Volunteers want better working conditions and lunch breaks... Congressman Tom Tancredo says his all American volunteers may be rather demanding but he claims it's wrong for other campaigns to unfairly employ undocumented volunteers to stay competitive. October 6, 2007. Iowa Labor Relations Fair |
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| Huckabee's Hound Dog Former Arkansas Governor's sidekick singing second cousin... Mike Huckabee says his singing second cousin on his sister's side, Ellis, is one for the money and two for the show. October 5, 2007. Iowa State Fairgounds and Raceway Oldies Night |
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| Paul Nets Holy Mackerel! Ron Paul shocks anglers by hauling in a whopping $5 million... Congressman Paul said the school lunch fish stick generation has started a internet political revolution and they're welcome aboard his boat. October 4, 2007. Portsmouth Seafood Festival |
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| Hillary Raises $27 Million Senator Clinton raises the stakes $27 million for 3rd quarter... Hillary Clinton continues collecting enough chips from individual contributions to use many of the high stakes game playing tactics those chips can afford. October 3, 2007. Dogwood Downs Casino and Poker Club |
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| Senator Sings New Song McCain claims to be a bridge over troubled waters of war... Arizona Senator John McCain said his own military service gives him the experience to successfully lead the country in the current and coming wars. October 2, 2007. Concord City Center Park |
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| Gravel Rocks MasterCard Blames his $80,000 bankruptcy on credit card companies... Former Alaska Senator Mike Gravel said his own personal credit card companies deserved to get stiffed but he is still accepting contributions by all major credit cards. . October 1, 2007. Des Moines Downs Debt Counseling Center |
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| Biden Blasts Pfizer Prez Senator Biden warns president to "Get it straight real quick"... Joe Biden's lengthy statement said Americans have an absolute right to voice opinions about what they pay for and angrily cautioned "We can yank our support and pull out any time". September 30, 2007. Aames Iowa Senior Healthcare Fair |
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| Right Said Fred... No Way! James Dobson unimpressed by Fred Thompson after meeting... The former Tennessee Senator suffered a setback when influential evangelical Pastor James Dobson derided Thompson by saying Thompson couldn't talk his way out of a paper bag. September 29, 2007. Dobson Downs Ampitheater |
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| Gingrich Secrets On DVD Newt Gingrich skips television and goes straight to DVD... Former Republican Speaker of the House has cancelled his Presidential bid but promises to reveal the secrets why in his second DVD if enough people will buy his debut Secrets DVD. September 28, 2007. New York Grand Olde Studios |
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| Mitt Swings Greatest Hits Mitt sings "No New Taxes" backed by an all star big band... Romney has a repertoire of GOP favorites and is a surprisingly good lounge singer. His swinging big band is both smooth and sassy whenever they play a gig. Mitt always picks up the tab. September 27, 2007. Jersey Shores Surf and Turf Club |
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| McCain's Private Militia McCain contracts Blackwater for house to house campaign... A campaign insider explained that some New Hampshire neighborhoods might be dangerous to canvass due to heated anti-war sentiment in the local population. September 26, 2007. Manchester City Park and Parade Grounds |  |
| Hillary Builds Brick House Senator Clinton racks up bricklayers union endorsement... 100,000 International Union of Bricklayers and Craftworkers members looked at all sides of the issues and they stacked up overwhelmingly for Clinton's positions. September 25, 2007. Bricklayer's Convention Atlantic City Racebook Bar |  |
| Giuliani's Special Night Ladies Equestrian Club honors Mayor with a romantic gala... Giuliani, who wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth, was charming. The purse was close to a half million dollars for a 30 minute quickie fundraiser with a few horseracing gals. September 24, 2007. Churchmont Downs Private Turf Club |  |
| Kucinich Stumps In Vegas Vegetarian Congressman campaigns for voters in Las Vegas... Dennis Kucinich says his vegan lifestyle and 29 year old wife have given him the energy of a young man. He quipped that's a good thing because his First Lady really is his first lady. September 23, 2007. Las Vegas Hilton Penthouse Balcony |  |
| Paul Skips Baghdad Derby Congressman prefers pig racing at the Texas State Fair ... Ron Paul's maverick preference for pig racing is a risky position that likely won't receive any support or make any friends with established interests in the horseracing industry. September 22, 2007. Texas State Fair Pig Racing Grandstand |  |
| Hillary Won't Go There Senator Clinton tells magazine she's definitely not a lesbian... "People will say what they're going to say". Hillary added that she is grateful for her many friends and supporters who choose alternative lifestyles but she has a horny hubby at home. September 21, 2007. Fire Island Raceway Fashion Boutique |  |
| Obama Stretch To Black Senator admits inability to converse in grade school Ebonics... He's promised to do better but black supporters have complained that Obama sometimes acts like he has a white mama and went to a fancy white school like Harvard.Obama Shop September 20, 2007. Louisiana Downs Raceway Free BBQ Night |  |
| Biden In Baghdad Derby Senator Biden accepts challenge of horseracing in Iraq... Joe Biden is ready to enter Baghdad's first Grade I horserace, the $2 Million Baghdad Derby. Senator Biden claims he's the only runner with a serious plan to win the Baghdad stakes race. September 19, 2007. Baghdad Downs Raceway Bunker #13 |  |
| McCain Finds His Religion Senator McCain meets with Mother Teresa to dispel doubts... After the meeting McCain said he accepted Mother Teresa's recommedations adding it's human to have doubts at times but what's important is that John's Baptiscopalian faith is still strong. September 18, 2007. Myrtle Beach Raceway Garden Area |
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| Romneys Adopt Lost Teen Mitt and wife show compassion for abandoned teenager... "Georgie's actually quite charming despite a difficult past. And other than the arson tendencies we believe Georgie has a good heart and just needs love." September 17, 2007. Iowa State Adoption Fair Day at the Races |
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| Thompson's Inner Circle Fred's top advisory council puts emphasis on law and order... Thompson, Jack McCoy, Horatio Caine, Matlock and Jessica from "Murder She Wrote" met today and were all closely watching episodes of Hawaii Five-O and Perry Mason on DVD. September 16, 2007. Des Moines Downtown Theatre and Hotel |
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| Red Sox Seek Richardson Relief pitching specialist offered contract for 2008 season... Bill Richardson has an impressive array of pitches that he mixes up well and he can negotiate his way out of a bases loaded jam as well as any pitcher in the bigs. September 15, 2007. Fenway Downs Press Room |  |
| Rudy Grabs Horsepower Giuliani shuns Baghdad Derby reaches out to auto racing... Rudy says he's always preferred the feel of massive horsepower and he is hands on when it comes to scheduling appearances at auto races and monster truck shows. September 14, 2007. Tallahatchee Raceway Infield Press Lounge |  |
| McCain In Baghdad Derby Other candidates not ready to commit to horseracing in Iraq... John McCain has entered Baghdad's first Grade I stakes horserace, the twice postponed $2 Million Baghdad Derby. Iraqi oddsmakers say the current line is 1 to 9 against McCain finishing the race with or without other entries. September 13, 2007. Baghdad Downs Raceway Bunker #8 |  |
| Edwards Shows Growth Edwards standing tall with Labor Day union endorsements... Labor Day was a big day for John Edwards as he picked up endorsements from the national steelworkers, mineworkers, carpenters and carnival stiltwalkers unions. September 3, 2007. Pittsburgh County Fairgrounds and Racetrack |
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| Sam Jailed For Our Sins Brownback in prison to promote religious rehab of inmates... Kansas Senator Sam Brownback says religous rehabilitation programs are what prisoners need because religion has worked so well at resolving conflicts throughout the world. August 25, 2007. Kansas State Prison GOP Ward |  |
| Clintons Out Together Clintons emphasize unity and teamwork on campaign trail... Hillary and Bill wore matching powder blue outfits as Hillary said that Democrats will need to unite like never before to undo the damage done by the Bush administration. August 21, 2007. Granite Downs Paddock Area |
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| Tee Bags Obama Bling Curbside tee shirt mogul sets sales records thanks to Obama... Inglewood based entrepreneur, Mister Tee, says tee shirt sales haven't been this refreshingly brisk since the Lakers were NBA champions. Mister Tee's tee shirts can be seen at the Obama Shop. August 7, 2007. Hollywood Park Parking Lot B |
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| Rudys 3 Wives No Problem Kings of Saudi Arabia and Bahrain have 71 between them... Giuliani says common ground with Arab leaders may lead to a major Midlle East peace breakthrough in a Giuliani presidency. Middle Eastern men of power with many wives respect a man who wears the robe in the family. July 17, 2007. Saudi Arabian Breeders International Association |  |
| Kucinich Stumps In Hawaii Vegetarian Congressman campaigns for voters in Hawaii... Dennis Kucinich says his vegan lifestyle and 29 year old wife have given him the energy of a young man. Kucinich also says he never went diving or snorkled with his wife before this trip. June 29, 2007. Diamondhead Hilton Penthouse Balcony |  |
| Green Giant Wants Gore Once jolly Green Giant urges Al Gore to run or else... Once jolly Green Giant says the whole valley is very worried about climate change, global warming and the potential harm to our tender baby peas. He's helped form a Draft Al Gore Committee of concerned vegetable farmers including the top supplier of carrots and peas to racetrack barns nationwide. June 23, 2007. Green Valley Racepark |  |
| Edwards Shines In Contest Soccer moms trust former Senator John Edwards the most... Soccer moms at the National Soccer Mom Association luncheon were asked who they would most trust their kids with. Edwards scored higher than the grandparents in 79% of the households of women with shiny luxurious hair. June 19, 2007. America Downs Banquet Pavillion |  |
| Sweet Home Obama Southern strategy depends on Lynyrd Skynyrd endorsment... Senator Barack Obama personally met with Lynyrd Skynyrd after marketing research suggested the song "Sweet Home Alabama" was a very lucky theme song for past Southern political campaigns. Obama Shop June 15, 2007. Montgomery Downs Gift Shop (Obama on Horseback coffee mugs now on sale!) |  |
| Mitt Shows 'Em The Money Touts traditional GOP values like money and more money... Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney announced he has collected over $23 million. He claims to be focusing on the unifying language spoken by all Americans. The language of money. He concluded the talk by asking for more money. June 9, 2007. Banco de Americo Horse Breeders Venture Capital Conference |  |
| It Takes An Island Clintons fly south to swank island resort for spring break... In a big budget remake of an episode previously seen on the TV show "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"... Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton and daughter Chelsea were off on a fabulous getaway holiday at the luxury island resort home of fashion designer Oscar de la Renta, Hillary's unofficial Secretary of Fashion. June 2, 2007. Dominican Downs Clubhouse |  |
| Fred Calls H For Help Jack McCoy to head Thompson campaign staff... In a televised address to the Television Drama Police Officers Association former Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson reached out across the bandwidth to CBS top cop, Horatio Caine of CSI Miami, and asked for H's help in producing more Law and Order and beautiful orange sunrises and sunsets for all Americans. May 23, 2007. Burbank Racepark Studio 3rd floor |  |
| Brownback Welcomes Gays To support a different presidential candidate publicly... > However, Senator Brownback welcomes financial contributions and the closet vote from all self-loathing gays and lesbians who consistently vote against their own self interests. Through his spokespeople he assures them discreetly their support is appreciated. May 18, 2007. Palm Beach Riding and Tennis Club |  |
| Governor Gains By Losing Richardson up in polls after losing weight in jockey hot box... After a warning by his agent and image consultant of a fat 911, Bill Richardson immediately came up with a successful weight loss plan that has won the release of boundless new energy for his 2008 Presidential campaign. May 13, 2007. America Downs Turf Club Salad Bar |  |
| Tancredo's Clean Up Crew Volunteers clean stables in response to boycott by muckers... Volunteers have been arriving in a sleek array of RVs and travel trailers to do the work some amnesty supporters claim Americans won't do. One supporter said that he was taking a few days off from his regular computer job to prove that Americans will do hard work. May 6, 2007. Des Moines Downs Tancredo Barn |  |
| Biden Splits Campaign Changes in response to realities on the racing surface... Senator Joe Biden explained there are 3 distinct racing regions so the various breeders and their supporters need seperation to coexist in peace. Biden claimed the strategy has been a winner before. May 1, 2007. Dover Downs Turf Club |  |
| Ad War Funding Cut Off Congressman Dennis Kucinich calls for ad funding cut off... Dennis Kucinich says the "Get Back to the Track" ad campaign was ill-conceived and mismanaged. Kucinich says he has honed his comedy skills lately by working with Bill Maher and Jay Leno and has a new less offensive racetrack ad campaign ready to roll out. April 24, 2007. Iowa State Fair Annex OTB |  |
| Hunter Wants Bigger Fence People are sneaking into the infield to pick flowers and fruit... Congressman Duncan Hunter says that the best defense is a good fence so he's gone on the offense to get a bigger fence. Hunter also wants horseback security patrols and closed circuit television monitoring of flowers and fruit. April 13, 2007. San Diego Pinata Park Turf Club |  |
| Huckabee Issues Gag Order Las Vegas writer was edited for purely political reasons... Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee issued the order to change the punchline of a joke from Britany Spears to Paris Hilton because Spears has been a loyal Republican and outspoken supporter of President Bush. The line was used before a dispirited conservative crowd and drew few laughs in the gloomy atmosphere. April 3, 2007. Las Vegas Stardust OTB |  |
| Dodd Charms Leprechauns Senator Dodd is building a coalition from the ground up... After a long St. Patricks Day weekend of Irish music and merriment, including at least 5 parades and more than a dozen parties, Chris Dodd thinks he addressed a convention of Leprechaun-Americans at some point in the past 36 hours. March 24, 2007. Boston Garden Annex OTB |  |
| Gravel's Senior Moment I may be the oldest horse in the race... former Senator Mike Gravel said to sparse applause... I may be older but I may be wiser too!... I may be older but I remember things others forgot... things that need to be remembered!... more applause... but today... but today? Gravel looked puzzled and leaned to his aide. After a few awkward moments Gravel was off to chat with a group of seniors near the bus benches. March 23, 2007. Racetown Race Book Atlantic City |  |
| Radio Frees Nude Newt Gingrich confesses adultery during Clinton impeachment... The Christian radio show's host later complained that Gingrich was saving his even sleazier confessions for a prime time television news magazine like 60 Minutes. Newt's image consultant, Frank Maytag, called this the confession cycle of his patented image washing machine. March 22, 2007. 700 Club Sportsbook Sparks NV |  |
| Paul Prepares Spaceship 73 year old will take cult followers to distant planet... Sources say if his presidential bid fails Congressman Paul will gather his most faithful devotees and leave Earth for another planet. Ron Paul is perhaps best known for his role as TV's "My Favorite Martian". March 21, 2007. Texas Downs Advance Bet Window |  |
| Campaign By Submarine Clark ays winning the support of military is top priority ... Wesley Clark has been spending time with active duty military personnel from every segment of the armed forces and is currently up to the letter S at Submarine Service. His campaign has been off the radar for weeks because he was with the top secret Stealth Bomber Group prior to sailing off with the Submarine Service. March 20, 2007. U.S.S. Firefox Deep Sea Seahorse |  |
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| FBI Blank Check Is NSF Feingold says Bush's no limit platinum card was cancelled... During a recent banking transaction an animated Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold jabbed his finger in the air and expressed his thoughts on several subjects to his own reflection in a mirror covering the ATM security camera. The ATM issued a printed receipt. March 19, 2007. Bethesda Track and Tack OTB |  |
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| Hagel Scoops Up Support Hagel cosponsors bill to exempt manure from EPA regulation ... Racetrack officials, horse owners and trainers say the place is already teeming with INS immigration agents and IRS tax agents not to mention the DHS security agents over at the Arabian horse barn. We don't really want a bunch of EPA agents mucking around here also. March 18, 2007. America Downs Racetrack Paddock |  |
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| Tommy Sorry About Fat Delicious Wisconsin cheese has made us too darn fat!... Former Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson said cheese balls, cheese logs and other cheese snacks need to be packaged in more reasonably sized portions so consumers don't become fatter than the Wisconsin dairy cows that produced the milk in the first place. Tommy went on to apologize for the effects of an oversize cheese log on the digestive system. March 17, 2007. St. Patty's Fair Iowa Fairgounds Food Court |  |
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| Pataki Says NO To Iraqi Iraqis offer flatly rejected by Pataki... Iraqi-American pest exterminator Mohammed Aziz Karbomma later explained "I was in his upscale neighborhood offering free termite inspections but I did not know the former Governor of New York lived in the house until he answered the doorbell. I offered the Governor a free termite inspection but he politely said no thank you". March 15, 2007. Belmont Park Maintenance Shed |  |
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| Gilmore Tax On Terror Rallies troops on the front lawns of the War on Terror... Americans are ready to share the job of protecting America. It just makes good horsesense to 1. Enact a Homeland Security Gun Tax Credit to help buy automatic weapons for our neighborhood watch captains and city pool lifeguards 2. Repeal all sales tax on automatic weapons and ammunition for U.S. citizens and 3. Establish senior citizen discounts on body armor. March 14, 2007. Chalktalk Racing and Gun Club SC |  |
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| Chicago Women Love Cox Overblown, overheated and politically motivated... That's how Chicago women described the point John Cox was making about something while wearing a beautiful Armani suit and fine Italian shoes. The hors d'oeuvres served were excellent and the ladies were quite pleased with their lovely COXin08 place mats made from recycled horsehair. March 13, 2007. Chicago Mega Mall OTB |  |
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| Revisit the classic 2012 Presidential Derby... |
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